Late Show Top Ten Top Ten U.S. Airways Excuses

10. Thought it would be fun to shoot empty liquor bottles
9. Air traffic controller’s “Clear to land” misheard as “Squeeze off a round”
8. Media never reports when plane takes off and pilot’s gun doesn’t go off
7. Pilot thought he saw one of them “Cloverfield” Godzillas – Buy “Cloverfield” on DVD April 22nd
6. Oh, like you’ve never fired a weapon onboard a passenger plane before
5. Don’t worry – His parole officer was in the cockpit
4. Chillax, bro
3. This is what happens when you let Dick Cheney fly a plane – Did you see it coming folks?
2. If you didn’t want gunplay, maybe you should have flown United
1. Pilot distraught after picking Duke to win it all

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Late Night

Today John McCain was in England where he visited his birthplace . . . Stonehenge.
~Jay Leno

A new survey shows that beer drinkers prefer John McCain to Hillary Clinton. Which is surprising because you’d think Hillary would be more popular with guys who like a “cold one.”
~Conan O’Brien

Yesterday’s Easter Egg Hunt in Central Park was amazing. They found 1,500 eggs. Fifteen hundred eggs. And three dead guys.
~David Letterman

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On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there’s a small
forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer,
while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee
man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to
his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.
“There’s one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side
of the forest.” “How do you know it’s one of *our* wolves?” the
Kentucky farmer asked.”Well, ” the Tennessee man replied, “he’s
already chewed off three of his legs and he’s still trapped.”
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