Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions President Bush Asked The Pope

10. “Where is the little lady?”
9. “How long have you been Poping?”
8. “Jessica Alba or Jessica Biel?”
7. “Have you ever tried eggs benedict?”
6. “Could you perform an exorcism on Dick Cheney?”
5. “You on spring break?”
4. “What are you doing for Passover?”
3. “Could you record a wacky greeting for my voicemail?”
2. “Can I come up to visit you and Rudolph at the North Pole?”
1. “Could you do something about my approval rating?”

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Late Night

Actually, one really embarrassing moment. When the Pope blessed the crowd with holy water, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney and burned his skin.
~Jay Leno

Some news from Iran. The chief of police in Tehran, who was in charge of fighting bad morals, was found naked with six hookers. His name? Amhmed Spitzer. I believe he is the governor of Tehran.
~Jay Leno

The Pope is in the United States. Hillary Clinton declined to meet him at the airport . . . you know, she was worried about sniper fire.
~David Letterman

Barack Obama today got the endorsement of Bruce Springsteen. Not to be outdone, John McCain got the endorsement from one of his musical contemporaries, Beethoven.
~Craig Ferguson

Snoop Dogg announced he is writing a series of children’s books today. Is that really a good idea? “Horton Hears a Hootchie Mama.” “Green Eggs & Blunts.”
~Craig Ferguson

I watched the debate between Hillary and Barack last night. As you know Hillary is trying to appeal to the blue-collar voters. She’s drinking; she’s talking about hunting and fishing. And it’s working. In the latest poll she’s up eight points in the “mullet vote.”
~Jay Leno

President Bush announced his plan this week to limit greenhouse gases – he said he will ban all greenhouses.
~Jay Leno

Yesterday of course was Pope Benedict’s birthday. Happy birthday to him. They had a little party for him at the White House. As you know the Pope does not drink; he does not do drugs; and he has taken a vow of celibacy. So, it’s pretty safe to say no congressmen showed up for that party.
~Jay Leno

At the party, Pope Benedict spoke out against evil. And then Dick Cheney gave the rebuttal.
~Jay Leno

Beautiful sunny day. Down in Washington, it was so sunny, the Pope was wearing his stained glass sunglasses.
~David Letterman

These trips can be kind of tricky; often there can be some confusion and embarrassment. The Pope, after the mass, accidentally gave the last rites to John McCain.
~David Letterman

The Pope said the mass and then took off in the Popemobile, and President Bush followed him in the dopemobile.
~David Letterman

Edward Laurens, the father of the chaos theory, died today. His services will be held someplace completely random.
~Craig Ferguson

On the Republican side, John McCain has been feeling a little left out. Last night he organized a debate against himself.
~Jimmy Kimmel

The good news is the opinion polls show he leads himself 52 to 48 percent.
~Jimmy Kimmel

With oil prices hitting an all time high, Barack Obama today promised that if he’s elected, he’ll fund research into a car that runs on the bitterness of economically strapped Pennsylvania voters.
~Jay Leno

A new ABC poll says that 58 percent of Americans don’t think Hillary Clinton is honest or trustworthy – 58 percent! Do you know what you call a politician with those kinds of numbers? President Bush.
~Jay Leno

Scientists believe that radiation from cell phones throws off bees’ navigation system. You know, just like it does to drivers on the highway.
~Jay Leno

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Guys You’ve Met in the Men’s Room

Excitable – Shorts half twisted around, can’t find hole, rips shorts.

Sociable – Joins friends and pisses whether he has to or not, figures it doesn’t cost anything.

Cross-eyed – Looks in the urinal on the left, pisses in the middle,
and flushes the one on the right.

Timid – Can’t piss if someone is watching. Flushes and comes back later.

Indifferent – All urinals are being used, pisses in sink.

Clever – Look Ma, no hands! Fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor.

Worried – Not sure if he has been in lately, stops in for a quick check.

Frivolous – Plays stream up, down, and across urinals, tries to hit a bug on the wall.

Childish – Pisses directly in the bottom of urinal, likes to see it
bubble.

Absent-minded – Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

Sneak – Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows guy in next stall will get blamed.

Patient – Stands very close for a long time waiting, reads a newspaper with his free hand.

Desperate – Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

Tough – Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

Efficient – Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

Fat – Backs up and takes long shot at urinal, pisses on his shoe.

Drunk – Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

Disgruntled – Stands waiting for a long time, gives up, walks away.

Conceited – Holds two inch dick like baseball bat.

*****

“Waiter, I’m just wondering, how do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

*****
Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality, who dispenses advice to people who call in to her Radio show. On her radio show recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an
abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned
under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to
Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.

******************************************

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I
have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of
debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in
her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-24. The problem is
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan, Homer Simpson-Caldwell

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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I disagree with my psychiatrist’ s assertion that I’m depressed because I have a serotonin imbalance. I’m pretty sure the real reason is: My life fuck’n sucks.

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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Baby’s First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.

I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed,” she replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”

I know,” she said,

“I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

~thanks to garythexton

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A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality. “I know a great trial lawyer,” the fellow said, “but he’s expensive and doesn’t know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer,” he continued, “who’s not a great trial lawyer, but he’s cheap and really knows how to pick a jury.” The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his> testimony. “I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind,” he said, “and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed’s pecker.” The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope until a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, “You know, a good sheep will do that.”

~thanks to num

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Long…but we can all definitely relate! =o)

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented “You’re definitely going to mess yourself” chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No “Watson’s Movement 2″. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when,
I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that “Uh oh, gotta go” pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could’ve warned that poor woman but didn’t. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things “clamped down”, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable “Oh my, Oh my”, floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of “Shock and Awe”. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ” Oh h h h!”, then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, “Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.”

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, “IT’S YOU!”, then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson’s. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they’re going to have to repaint the store.

~thanks to RSommers

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Signs You’re Not Mensa Material

You couldn’t figure out how to break the seal on your standardized intelligence test, so you had to give up.

You wonder how the deer know to cross at the deer crossing signs.

You are confused by the plot twists of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

You once tried to solve a Rubik’s cube and had to be institutionalized for over a year.

You had trouble getting in even before they saw the decimal point in your IQ.

You are still struggling to finish “Shoe Laces for Dummies.”

Your family had a celebration when you scored a “perfect 10″ points on your SAT.

You don’t watch PBS because there are no Budweiser or Taco Bell commercials.

Homer Simpson is your idol.

That “which comes first” thing about chicken and eggs just makes you hungry.

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There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc.

This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene.

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.

“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him.

“Oh, relax,” says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.”

“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again.

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, “wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.”

“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?

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The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign
advertising, “Newly Translated From the Original
French: 37 Mating Positions.” The book was already
wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy
one.

Once safely at home and alone, I opened it and found
that I had just purchased an expensive book about
chess.

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Why did the Arabs get all the oil and the Irish get all the potatoes?

Because the Irish had first choice.

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Xtreme Parting Thought

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.