Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Having Sex In A McDonald’s

10. Should I take her someplace more romantic like Applebee’s?
9. Am I going to get “The McClap”?
8. Should we just stay in the car and have sex in the drive-thru?
7. The rats won’t mind, will they?
6. Would she rather have had a ‘Whopper’?
5. Is this what my dad meant when he said, “Go get a job at McDonald’s”?
4. Should I add fries and a soda for an extra 99 cents?
3. Can I tell my wife I was just getting a Happy Meal?
2. Should I see a psychiatrist?
1. Is this going to hurt my wife’s presidential campaign?

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

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Late Night

Experts say the big test for Barack Obama will be surviving the negative attacks; the big test for Hillary Clinton will be surviving North Carolina; the big test for John McCain will be just surviving until November.
~Jay Leno

Today at the White House, President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment during the ceremony when Bush said, “This is a great day for all Malarians.”
~Conan O’Brien

President Bush says that the $300 rebate checks from the government will finally be mailed out on Monday. Then, Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas.
~Conan O’Brien

Today is Al Pacino’s birthday – 68 years old. “Say hello to my little friend: Gold Bond medicated powder.”
~Craig Ferguson

A man has staged a sit-in for prayer at a gas station asking God for lower gas prices. Doesn’t that seem a like a question for Allah?
~Jay Leno

It was so hot, Hillary Clinton challenged Barack Obama to another debate just so she could get the cold shoulder.
~Jay Leno

Star Jones is getting a divorce. Bad news for her, good news for me. She’s the only thing left on my “bucket list.”
~David Letterman

This weekend at an event in Washington D.C., President Bush picked up a baton and conducted the U.S. Marine band. Unfortunately, the president got upset because the band didn’t know the song “The Wheels on the Bus.”
~Conan O’Brien

“American Idol’s” ratings have been slipping this year, so producers are thinking about making some changes to the show to make if more exciting. For example, from now on contestants will be eliminated by a sniper.
~Conan O’Brien

MSNBC is reporting that the department of Homeland Security is asking boaters to be on the lookout for terrorists in small boats trying to detonate a nuclear bomb . . . $15 billion a year for Homeland Security and all they can do is come up with three drunks on a Wave Runner?
~Jay Leno

The State department announced the most dangerous place in the world today is no longer the Mideast. It’s now between the Rev. Jeremiah Wright and the microphone.
~Jay Leno

Researchers at Yale University say that chocolate may be good for pregnant women. However, they say it is not good for women who just look pregnant.
~Jay Leno

How about that John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who walks into a Circuit City and asks, “Do you have typewriter ribbon?”
~David Letterman

Earlier today, Chinese officials held a ceremony to announce that it’s exactly 100 days until the summer Olympics and they’re working hard to clean up Beijing’s pollution. Unfortunately, they had to cut the ceremony short – because the air caught on fire.
~Conan O’Brien

Released today: the video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Great news for people who are in the mood to steal a car and beat up a hooker – but don’t want to leave the house.
~Craig Ferguson

According to a new poll, President Bush’s disapproval rating is 71 percent. Seventy one percent. That’s amazing . . . 29 percent still approve?
~Jay Leno

Amy Winehouse was arrested for assaulting a guy in a bar. In all fairness, she didn’t do anything. The guy was sucker punched by her hair.
~David Letterman

There’s some footage on YouTube of Hillary Clinton trying to make a cup of coffee. She couldn’t get the machine to work. When he saw the video, Bill Clinton said, “Yeah, she’s not very good at turning things on.”
~Conan O’Brien

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Come on over to our house… you know the one…
its the Adult and Diverse one on the corner of BSBB Street.
We have ‘almost’ something for everyone…
Stop by… the door is always open!
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Adult orientated, Semi-Moderated humor list. Filled with jokes and toons, pix n info, Basically anything but SPAM!
ABSOLUTELY,No GRAPHIC, KIDDIE or BESTALITY nudity ALLOWED-But toons of any nature are acceptable. To access the home pages files n folders you must have a PROFILE
with a legal AGE of 18 or older! We are a fun loving group, promising smiles and laughter for
all! Sign up today and see what we got! Invite your friends as well, the more the merrier!

Visit group on web at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WnW_BigList/

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My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty
well when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?!” “Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”

*****

When President Bush appeared on “Meet The Press,” he didn’t seem too well prepared. Actually, there was a reason for it. He thought he was just going to meet the press, he didn’t know they were going to ask questions. There was one embarrassing moment when President Bush was asked if he was ever AWOL and he said, “No, we have Earthlink.”

*****
While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the
following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.” Knowing
nothing about that particular condition, she double- checked with
Doctor Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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Come show us your stuff
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One morning Tom took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
“What’s this?” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared
when he shook them out.”Sherry,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She shot back, “It’s not talcum powder. It’s Miracle Grow”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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You can receive funny pix, cartoons and jokes that I post on Just Humor Me blog in your email once a day! I generally post 3 – 5 items a day. Xtreme Humor will be published twice a week on the blog.

Go to http://keboch.wordpress.com/subscribe/
IMPORTANT!
You will then receive an email to confirm your subscription. Click on the link in your confirmation email…and you’re done!
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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golfballs and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her,he said, ‘It’s golf balls’.

Nevertheless, the blond continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?????’

~thanks to garythexton

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About 5 minutes after an Okie & his new bride checked into the honeymoon suite of a fishing resort, the new groom passes thru the lobby with all his fishing gear, headed for the river.
The desk clerk waves him over. “Hey buddy” he says, “shouldn’t you be
upstairs making love to your new bride?”
To which the Okie says, “Can’t, she’s got gonorrhea the doc says no sex for another month. But it’s OK because I love to fish”
The next morning, the Okie is on his way thru the lobby with his fishing gear. Trying to be helpful, the clerk waves him over and says. “Since you can’t have vaginal sex, maybe you could try anal sex.”
To which the Okie says, “Can’t, she’s got diarrhea the doc says no anal sex for another month. But it’s OK because I love to fish”
The following morning, again trying to be helpful, the Clerk waves the Okie over on his way thru the lobby. “Since you can’t have vaginal sex or anal sex, maybe you could coax her into performing oral sex for you” he says.
To which the Okie says, “Can’t, she’s got pyorrhea her dentist says no oral sex for another month. But it’s OK because I love to fish”
The clerk asks the Okie incredulously, Let me get this straight, your
new bride has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea why the hell would you marry a girl like that?
“Well” says the Okie, “she’s got worms too, and I love to fish!”

~thanks to num

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Alternatives to “…and they lived happily ever after”

#01 And they stayed together because of the kids.

#02 And she never learned her lesson never to eavesdrop on any of his phone conversations again.

#03 And he realized that money actually could buy happiness.

#04 And with all that alimony, she finally bought the castle she’d always dreamed of.

#05 And he never found out out the child wasn’t his.

#06 And eventually, she came to terms with the fact that she was probably going to have to save herself.

#07 And they lived happily ever… until the following winter.

#08 And she never had any idea that he was actually gay.

#09 And eventually she came to terms that her stepmother wasn’t evil – just demanding.

#10 And sometimes wondered whether a kiss that reanimated her from the dead was really grounds for a lifelong romance.

#11 And the three of them lived happily ever after.

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Check out a fun blog by a fellow subscriber!

http://stuffwhitedbagslike.wordpress.com/

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LAUNDRY STAIN REMOVAL GUIDE

Blood – Spill more blood around area of stain so it won’t stand out as much.

Ink – Fall to knees and plead, “Why, God, why? Why dost thou test me so?”

Grass – Write the name of your liquid detergent on stain. Wash. Hold up to camera, and show off the unbelievable results.

Mud – Place large iron-on NASCAR patch over stain. Apply heat for 60 seconds.

Tomato Sauce – Take out the mook responsible for your tomato-sauce stain by executing him gangland-style in the back of the head. Capeche?

Coffee – Rub cream and sugar into stain. Apply oral suction. Enjoy rich, robust coffee-stain flavor.

Wine – Apply mixture of 1/2 rum and 1/2 Coke to self until you no longer care about some little freaking stain.

Chewing Gum – Using permanent marker, draw dotted line around stain. Cut carefully on dotted line.

Nail Polish – Nail-polish stains are actually quite lovely. Why not leave them in for a pleasing “homecrafted” look?

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A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats that aren’t producing?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours.”

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T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX,
was asked on a local live radio talk show,
just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio,
but to thunderous applause from the audience.

“If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner’s balls to a car’s battery cables
will save one Texas GI’s life, then I have just three things to say,

‘Red is positive’
‘Black is negative’
‘Make sure his balls are wet.’ “

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Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: ‘Nice pigs, sir.’ The President replies ‘These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi.’ The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, Excellent trade, sir.’

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Xtreme Parting Thought

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle.
It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.