Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Messages Left On Barack Obama’s Answering Machine

10. “Hi, it’s Eliot Spitzer – let’s get some girls and celebrate.”
9. “John McCain here. I . . . uh, crap, I forgot why I called.”
8. “Hi, this is Al Gore. Don’t make the same mistake I did and win the popular vote.”
7. “It’s John McCain again. What is this, some kind of machine that answers the phone?”
6. “This is John Kerry; are you interested in a subscription to Sports Illustrated?”
5. “You’ve just made a powerful enemy of the Pantsuit Manufacturers of America.”
4. “Hi, it’s Randy Jackson. Your last speech? A little pitchy, Dawg.”
3. No number 3 – writer stuck on plane with Scott McClellan.
2. “Hillary calling; I’m still prepared to offer you the vice president position.”
1. “Oprah here: I helped you get the nomination, now will you help me get rid of Dr. Phil?”

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Late Night

Congratulations to Hillary Clinton – she won the Democratic primary in Puerto Rico. This is important, as Puerto Rico has absolutely no votes . . .
~Jay Leno

Over the weekend Barack Obama left his church. Afterwards he said to Hillary, “OK, now it’s your turn to quit something.”
~Jay Leno

Barack Obama says he is now looking for a new church . . . preferably one where the religious order has to take a vow of silence.
~Jay Leno

Beautiful day here in New York City. It’s 78 and sunny – just like Hillary Clinton.
~David Letterman

“Sex and the City” – the No. 1 movie in the country. Here’s the breakdown of the people who went to see it: 5 million women and one male flight attendant named Gary.
~David Letterman

The Democratic primary goes on and on. Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rican primary. Now she’s president of Puerto Rico.
~David Letterman

Yesterday during a speech, President Bush said that his economic stimulus package is working because when people use extra money to buy a machine, that creates jobs at “the machine-making place.” Then Bush introduced his new speechwriter, a 6 year-old boy named Timmy.
~Conan O’Brien

A group called The Fathers Day Council is naming “American Idol” judge Randy Jackson Father of the Year. Apparently Jackson got the award for keeping his children away from Paula Abdul.
~Conan O’Brien

The other day, Charlie Sheen got remarried. Sheen said, “She’s the perfect woman for me – she hasn’t read a newspaper in 15 years.”
~Conan O’Brien

The good news is, the whole Democratic primary voting process ended tonight . . . the bad news is, the 2012 Democratic primaries start on Thursday.
~Jay Leno

It looks like Barack Obama has won the nomination. Hillary Clinton is about to drop out. That means Bill Clinton is about to hear those three words he has been dreading: “Honey, I’m home!”
~Jay Leno

The Democratic primaries may be over. Boy that snapped right by, didn’t it?
~David Letterman

A new article in Vanity Fair magazine hints that former President Bill Clinton may have had an affair with actress Gina Gershon. The Vanity Fair article also hints that John McCain may have had an affair with Estelle Getty.
~Conan O’Brien

The astronauts onboard the International Space Station may have to return to Earth early, because the toilet is malfunctioning. Because there are two things that should never ever go together – an overflowing toilet and a zero-gravity environment.
~Conan O’Brien

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A woman visiting France drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

*****

A man recently took a job in the city. Since the commute was long,
passing through a congested tunnel, and gas prices high, he started a ridesharing initiative. Things went well for about a week or so.
Then, he started to get severe pain in the wrists. Oddly, this only happened when he was driving through the tunnel. After a few days, he went to his doctor and described his symptoms. The doctor told him he had a common ailment: carpool tunnel syndrome.

*****

We old people have to stay alert! Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them.
Boy, oh boy, did we go round and round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on this ol’ guy. Even though I am a senior citizen and slowing up a little doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid! I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year. “In one year those windows will pay for themselves!

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time.” The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It’s a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.” The blonde interrupts with, “Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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Go to http://keboch.wordpress.com/subscribe/

IMPORTANT!
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There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ”Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ”You’re next, fatty.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death

~thanks to garythexton

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2008 Democratic National Convention Agenda

7:00 pm Opening flag burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N.

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse
Jackson and Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet – Al Gore

8:15 pm Gay Wedding – Barney Frank presiding

8:35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals – John Kerry

9.00 pm Memorial service for Saddam and his sons -
Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

10:00 pm “Answering Machine Etiquette” -
Alec Baldwin

11:00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney
transplant fund – Barbra Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo
Bay – Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs – William Jefferson
Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World
Trade Towers – Howard Dean

12:15 am “Truth in Broadcasting Award” – Presented
to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by
Nancy Pelosi

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home

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Translating Shakespeare:

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let’s kill all the lawyers. Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It’s OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you’re screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she’s really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you’re desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn’t necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.

The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I’ll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don’t expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.

Love’s gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you’re telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.

‘Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.

My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You’ve never had twins and you never will. Get over it.

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A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time… and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year… maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?” His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.” “What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked. “Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to in my bedroom… And she yells, ‘Fuck You!’ and I holler back, ‘Fuck You too!’”

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The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked,
“Son, do you have a last request?”

To which the man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance
music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one
last time?”

“Certainly,” replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about
you, son? What is your final request?”

“Please,” said the condemned man, “kill me first.”

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You are the President of the United States.

Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed toward
the Earth. They have calculated that it will strike France
in two days at approximately 2:30 A.M.

The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from
the face of the Earth forever. France and the UN have
requested that the US send all available ships and aircraft
to help evacuate the country.

Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many
that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.

As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late the
night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it
and watch it in the morning?

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Laws

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to
have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In
addition to normal charges, the woman’s name will be
published in the local newspaper. The man does not
receive any punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in
Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having
sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the
wedding night)

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is
the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position
is considered illegal.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed
women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps
of beer while lying in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a
husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells
like garlic, onions, or sardines.

In Bozeman, Montana, you can’t perform any sexual acts
in the front yard of any home, after sundown, and if you
are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance
on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than
three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to
provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest.
According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they
are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally
sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken
to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple
should engage in a sexual act while parked in their
vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear
patent-leather shoes.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun
while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

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Why are turds tapered on the end?

Keeps your asshole from slamming shut.

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Xtreme Parting Thought

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.