Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition 4/13/08


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Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs New Yorkers Are Getting Too Fat

10. Elevators have a maximum occupancy of one
9. The Statue of Liberty is now holding a cupcake
8. Driver’s license photos larger to include all chins
7. Broadway’s Shubert Alley renamed Kirstie Alley
6. Robotic voice in the subway says, “Stand clear of the closing doors, lardass”
5. Thousands of “potholes” are actually footprints in the pavement
4. 97% of ATM passwords are either “fudge” or “bacon”
3. People becoming Yankees fans just for the slimming pinstripes
2. Most popular store: Gap For Tubby Dudes
1. New Yorkers are winded after giving the finger

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

vaxhumor@hotmail.com

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Late Night

President Bush is in Europe right now. Today he is meeting with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu Tariceanu. Or, as Bush calls him, Pop Tart.
~Conan O’Brien

John McCain says he has 20 names on a list of possible vice president candidates. Unfortunately, most of the names on the list are characters on “Matlock.”
~Conan O’Brien

Naomi Campbell is in trouble again. She was arrested at Heathrow Airport for spitting at a police officer. I guess that two-day anger management course she took last year really paid off.
~Jimmy Kimmel

John McCain is the only presidential candidate not using Secret Service protection. So far, the only protection he is using is the life insurance he bought from Wilfred Brimley.
~Conan O’Brien

The next stop for the Olympic Torch is San Francisco. Police there expect huge protests. It’ll be the first time San Francisco’s ever protested against anything flaming.
~Craig Ferguson

The Olympic torch is an ancient tradition. It symbolizes fire stolen from the Greek God Zeus by Prometheus. Prometheus stole the fire from Zeus, and he gave it to an old man named John McCain.
~Craig Ferguson

Canada just announced they may boycott the summer Olympics, because of China’s treatment of Tibet. When asked about the boycott, Canada’s prime minister said, “I’m very angry at China – plus we suck at summer sports.”
~Conan O’Brien

Jay-Z and Beyonce – it has been confirmed: they finally tied the knot. They got married. If you want get them something, they are registered at “Bed, Bath, & Booty.”
~Craig Ferguson

The Democrats announced today their convention this summer will be the “greenest ever.” And the Republicans are doing their part too. For the Republican convention, John McCain is gonna switch to cloth diapers.
~Craig Ferguson

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

“Two Prostitutes — $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

“JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the officer, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled… “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00.”

*****

Bill Maher’s New Rules

March 28, 2008

New Rule: If I’m paying four bucks a gallon for gas, that TV in the pump has to show porn. This way, I’m not the only one at the pump taking it in the ass.

New Rule: Democrats have to stop overestimating the intelligence of the American people. Hillary and Obama’s backdrops have five words on them. Easy, Einstein! Bush only has three words on his. And McCain’s has none, because his supporters can’t see that far. Sorry, Hilla- Barack, this is America. Anything that wouldn’t make sense to the Hulk or Frankenstein is too much. So, here are some suggestions: “Economy Bad.” “War Boom.” “Black Guy Friend.”

New Rule: Jessica Alba doesn’t have to speak Spanish. Or at all if she doesn’t want to. Some Latino groups are complaining that Jessica Alba is neglecting her heritage by not speaking Spanish. Sorry, but when I fantasize about Jessica Alba being bi, I don’t mean bilingual. Plus, it’s unfair to expect starlets to always reflect their heritage. Lindsay Lohan is Irish. No one expects her to get drunk and crash a car into a tree. Bad example.

New Rule: If you’re in college and not drinking beer, you’re doing it wrong. Students at Utah State have taken to playing the drinking game, Beer Pong. With root beer! Instead of beer, root beer! And instead of laughing and partying and trying to get laid, everybody wishes they were dead. Hey, Mormons, if you’re going to ask kids to believe in magic underpants and posthumous baptism, don’t you kind of want to get ’em half in the bag first?

New Rule: Yoko Ono has to stop saying, “It’s what John would have wanted.” Really? He would have wanted his songs interpreted by Russian gymnasts at the Mirage Casino? He would have wanted a John Lennon action figure? You know what? I think I know what John Lennon would have wanted: A divorce and Lucy Lu.

New Rule: Being a Democrat and realizing you’re never going to be president doesn’t mean you have to grow a beard. [photos of Al Gore and Bill Richardson sporting beards] Is it a suicide watch thing? They take away your razor? All I know is, this tradition must stop now, because no one needs to see this. [photo of Hillary Clinton with beard]

New Rule: Scientists must tell us what’s in Tampa’s drinking water that makes teachers want to fu*k their students. Remember Debra LaFave of Tampa? Well, in the past two weeks, three more Tampa school marms have been arrested for having sex with kids in their class. Authorities are warning parents to look for telltale signs of an affair like a sudden change in your child’s behavior, of a note on his report card that says, “Tommy is a pleasure to have in my vagina.” That killed me, too.

And, finally, New Rule: Candidates must stop posing on farm equipment. Here’s Barack Obama on a tractor, just like the one he used in Afghanistan to harvest poppies. You know, these kind of photos only hurt a campaign. Like this one of Hillary posing with a seed spreader. [photo of Hillary Clinton with Bill Clinton]

*****

A man walks into a pub with a pork pie on his head and asks the barman for a pint of lager. “Do you know you’ve got a pork pie on your head?” asks the barkeep. “Yes, I always wear a pork pie on my head on Wednesday,” says the man. “But today is Tuesday,” quips the barkeep.
“Oh my God!” shouts the man. “I must look a total idiot!”

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn’t been home for so long. She replied:”These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.” The husband answered: “But it’s only been two days what do you mean a week?” She answered “I am just here to get something to fuck’n eat.”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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Dear Mum & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance.

We think it’s a neat bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it’s concrete because we didn’t have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Ryan dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster’s tent.

Love as always
your only son
Johnnie

~thanks to garythexton

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Doctors Never Laugh”… the Doctor replied “Of
course I won’t laugh, I’m a professional. In over twenty
years I’ve never laughed at a patient.” “Okay then,”
Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
the tiniest ‘whoo-ha’ the doctor had ever seen. It
couldn’t have been bigger than the size of a AAA
battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started
giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later
he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure. “I’m so sorry,” said the doctor. “I really am.
I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor
and a gentleman, I promise it won’t happen again. Now,
what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.

~thanks to RSommers

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A Rabbi and a Priest were having their usual banter and the Priest said”you know ham is delicious. I know it’s against your religion, but Virginia ham is so good…you should really try it.” “Maybe I will” he said to the Priest. “When?” The Rabbi grinned and said “at your wedding.”

A man was confessing to his wife that he had this terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
She suggested that he should see a sex therapist.
A couple of weeks later he came home and told her he just couldn’t resist. She said “what happened?”
“I got fired” No she said, “what happened to the pickle slicer?” “She got fired too.””

~Thanks to The Earl of Bodfish

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A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes…. …….BOOM! !!
A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.
‘Excuse me sir’ he says ‘are you Mohammed?’ ‘No’ replies the old man, ‘I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs’.
But this is wonderful news’ screams the bomber, ‘Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it’.
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing.
Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and along white beard.
‘Excuse me sir’ he says ‘are you Mohammed?’ ‘No’ replies the old man, ‘I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs’.
‘But this is amazing news’ screams the bomber, ‘Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!! !!.
With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing.
There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.
‘Excuse me sir’ he says ‘are you Mohammed?’ ‘No’ replies the old man, ‘I am God.’ But this is absolutely amazing news’ screams the bomber, ‘Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can’t believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!’
‘You look tired my son’ said God ‘would you like to sit down and rest a while?’ ‘Oh yes’ replied the bomber ‘I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you’.
The bomber sits down and God says ‘You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?’ ‘Oh yes please’ replies the bomber ‘I am most thirsty, thank you’.
With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts ‘Oi’, Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!’

~thanks to num

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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MP’s ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”

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This just in:
…the staff at the mental facility treating John Hinckley reports intercepting the following letter from Bill Clinton:

To: John Hinckley
From: Bill Clinton

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country’s new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Bill Clinton

PS: Barack Obama is banging Jodie Foster.

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Q) How many deadheads does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A) None. After it burns out they just follow it around for years.

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Xtreme Parting Thought

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.

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