Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 4/16/08


Late Night

John Edwards announced that he will not accept the nomination for vice president. He will not accept the vice presidential nomination. To which the cashier at Wendy’s said, “You want a frosty with this or not?”
~Jay Leno

Earlier tonight, all three presidential candidates appeared on “American Idol.” Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, looked at them and said, “Wait – there’s a black guy, a white woman, and a cranky guy. You stole our formula.”
~Conan O’Brien

This week Madonna announced that she’s going to adopt a child from India. She already has one from Africa. When she heard about it, Angelina Jolie called Madonna and said, “I’ll see your India and raise you a Thailand.”
~Conan O’Brien

All three presidential candidates, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain, appeared on a special “American Idol.” Not to be outdone, Ralph Nader made a special surprise appearance on “The Biggest Loser.”
~Jay Leno

John McCain does not use Secret Service protection. He hasn’t been using it. He has his own people. In fact, do you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time? Pallbearers.
~Jay Leno

Last night in New York, Elton John held a fundraiser for Sen. Hillary Clinton. Things got off to an awkward start when Hillary and Elton showed up wearing the same pantsuit.
~Conan O’Brien

John McCain was on “The View.” He got along well with Barbara Walters. They were reminiscing about the Civil War.
~Craig Ferguson

John McCain has said that if he were president, he would boycott the Olympic ceremonies this summer in China, not because of China’s human rights record, but because the ceremonies start at 8 o’clock and he goes to bed at 6:45.
~Jimmy Kimmel

A fire burned Hillary Clinton’s campaign office in Terre Haute, Ind. I knew Hillary’s campaign was facing financial trouble but when you’re burning the building down for the insurance money, that’s not a good sign.
~Jay Leno

Hillary was very upset by the fire. Luckily she says she was glad she was able to run into the burning building, save six children, and then run back in to rescue three puppies.
~Jay Leno

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Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie career. He said he’s not getting the movie roles that he wants because of a false FBI investigation. The FBI issued a response and said, “It is our job to stop people from making bombs.”

*****

It was following the resurrection and disciples were still some- what scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages. John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, “Peter, Peter! I’ve got some good news and some bad news.” Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. “Take it easy, John. What is it? What’s the good news?” John says, “The good news is Christ is risen.” Peter says, “That’s great! But, what’s the bad news?” John, looking around, says, “He’s really steamed about last Friday.”

*****
One day, Mr. Jones spoke to the minister of his church.

“Reverend,” he said, “I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep
during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” the minister said. “Take this baby pin with you.
I’ll be able to tell when your wife is asleep and I’ll motion to you
to give her a good poke in the leg.”

The following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off during the sermon.

Noticing this, the preacher put his plan into action.

“And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, and nodded to Mr. Jones.

“Jesus!” Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg
with the pin.

“That’s right, Mrs. Jones!” said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again the minister noticed.

“Who is your redeemer?” he cried out to the congregation, again
motioning to Mr. Jones.

“God!” Mrs. Jones yelled as she was again stuck with the pin.

“Right again!” said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off.

However, this time the minister didn’t notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that
Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hat pin again.

At that point, the minister cried, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mr. Jones poked his wife who yelled, “You stick that damn thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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Need a joke to tell your mates at work or in the Pub?
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The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce, since there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality. The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked, “Don’t you mean homosexuality? ” “No!” she replied, “I mean hobosexuality. .. he’s a bum fuck!”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

 

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Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something.

I called mine ‘Sex’.

Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, ‘I was looking for Sex.’

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said ‘I would like to have one too !’ When I said ‘But this is a dog,’ he said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, ‘You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was two years old.’

He replied, ‘You must have been a strong boy.’

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, ‘But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.’

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the
Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for sex. Then I said, ‘You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night’, and the clerk said, ‘Me too.’

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, ‘Show off!’ I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married’ and the Judge said, ‘Me too.’

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, ‘Me too.’

Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, ‘What seems to be the trouble?’

I replied, ‘Well, Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and it’s so lonely.’

The doctor said, ‘Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?’

~thanks to garythexton

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A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
Vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her
on the bed.

Outraged, she calls in the doctor. “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation.”

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him.  ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what a bout the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

~thanks to RSommers

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A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant
and they don’t know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”
“Do you think it will work?” she asks.
“It’s worth a try.” he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”.
“What?” asks the priest, “what happened?”. “You gave birth to a child!”.
“But that’s impossible!” says the priest. “I just did the operation,”
insists the doctor, “it’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.”

~Thanks to num

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THE 50 BEST BITS, GAGS AND QUIPS THAT CRACK UP PRO COMICS – AND MAY
HAVE YOU SPLITTING YOUR SIDES
By LARRY GETLEN, SARA STEWART and REED TUCKER

April 6, 2008 — To assemble this collection of jokes, The Post
contacted dozens of comics, ranging from top-dollar headliners in
Vegas to regulars on “Late Night” and “The Daily Show” to
up-and-comers who do alt-comedy at local bars. We asked them to tell
us the best gag they’d written in the past year and their favorite
punch line delivered by another comedian. So according to some of the
funniest people on earth, these are the 50 most hilarious jokes of the last 12 months, whether they were told in nightclubs, on television or around a platter of fries at a late-night diner meal. Feel free to incite your own laugh riot.

Roseanne

A doctor tells a guy: “I have bad news. You have Alzheimer’s, and you
have cancer.” Guy says, “Thank God I don’t have cancer.”

Jackie Mason

Hillary Clinton says she’s the most qualified because she was married
to a president for eight years. Now let me ask you, if a brain surgeon quit his job, would everyone in the operating room say, “Wait, let’s get his wife.”

Lisa Lampanelli

I was watching Gene Simmons’ TV show, “Family Jewels.” Or as it’s
known in the business, ” ‘The Osbournes’ Without the Talented Father.”

Laura Kightlinger

After miraculously surviving two heart surgeries, pneumonia and a mild stroke, at 82 my grandfather was no longer able to care for himself.
Now he lives with my aunt who spoon-feeds him, takes him to the
bathroom, etc. Proof that what doesn’t kill you makes you a burden to
someone else.

Bill Maher

Barack Obama bowled a 37. Is he black enough for you now?

Bobby Slayton

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One’s getting breasts, one’s getting whiskers. My life is over.

Jeffrey Ross

John McCain is so old that running for President is on his bucket list.

Tomi Walamies

My uncle is in a coma – he’s living the dream. (Paul Provenza’s favorite)

Nick Dipaolo

I think I might vote for Barack Obama. Because I live in New York City and have been giving black guys change for the past 10 years. I want to see what it feels like for a black guy to give me change.

Artie Lange

Alex Rodriguez never gets clutch hits in October, yet his fans insist
on comparing him to Babe Ruth. So A-Rod tries to get as close as he
can to Ruth-type achievements. Before the playoffs last year, A-Rod
went to a hospital and promised a dying kid that he’d ground out to
second Base for him. And I was at the game, people, it’s true – A-Rod
pointed to second Base.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

At the Tony Awards: I’m here with Harvey Fierstein, nominated tonight
for the “I Hate Vagina Monologues.”

Seth Herzog

I took nine years of French, but I can’t remember any of it. I
realized on the plane ride over that if someone doesn’t ask me what
color my hat is, I’ll have nothing to talk about for two weeks.

Earthquake

You know why the US can’t find Osama Bin Laden? They’re using the
wrong agency to look for him. Don’t send the Army, Navy, Marines or
the CIA – send Child Support!

Harland Williams

I was eating an orange the other day and a friend said, “Did you know
nothing rhymes with ‘orange?’ ” So, I threw the orange at his head and said, “Now your face is swollen red ’cause I just threw an orange at your big fat head. Does that rhyme with ‘orange,’ you jackass?”

Conan O’Brien

To America, there’s just something about Charlie Sheen working with
children that “feels right.”

(Bill Maher’s favorite)

Wendy Liebman

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. I just moved his chair closer to the one we already have.

Seth Meyers

During a “Weekend Update” segment about Eliot Spitzer: And you wanted
to have sex with a hooker but you didn’t want to wear a condom?
Really?!? That might not be scary if you were client number 1, but you were client number 9. I wear a condom if I’m ninth in line at the deli.

(Robert “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog” Smigel’s favorite)

Hannibal Buress

I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don’t know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.

Louis C.K.

On his daughter’s diaper: There was so much poop. It didn’t look like
a baby’s poop. It looked like a 55-year-old alcoholic took a dump

(Nick Dipaolo’s favorite)

Emo Philips

Cellphones are like a dog’s nipples. You don’t have to shout into them!

Nick Thune

Tupac Shakur’s mother was a Black Panther. His father was a regular
panther. (Russell Peters’ favorite)

Jonathan Katz

I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something
wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist.

Jim Florentine

I’m sick of Heather Mills. Now that she’s divorced, let her go marry
the drummer from Def Leppard. They can rub their stumps together.

Ophira Eisenberg

I’m still in my first marriage. I know, it’s wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I do that.

Jim Norton

I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I
was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally
someone in the government who represented my interests.

Sean Keane

My girlfriend said, “I hate it when you finish my sentences.” So I
said, “Period.”

(Harland Williams’ favorite)

George Carlin

Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they
give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get an infection?

(Jackie Mason’s favorite)

Greg Proops

They say Hillary Clinton has a bad personality. Really? I forgot about Dick Cheney’s wow factor.

Robert Duchaine

Almost all serial killers are men. That’s ’cause women like to kill
one man slowly over many, many years.

(Bobby Slayton’s favorite)

David Brenner

Gasoline prices are highest in Hawaii, closing in on $4 a gallon.
President Bush said, “See, I told you it wasn’t only in our country!”

John Oliver

One hundred and fifty years ago, England was fueled primarily from
burning Catholics. It’s a naturally renewable resource.

(Seth Herzog’s favorite)

Liam McEneaney

They say gay people have “gaydar,” which lets them figure out who else is gay. Waiters in expensive restaurants have something similar,
called “poor-dar.” They always know I shouldn’t be there, and I can
tell by the way they talk to me: “Sir, can I take your coat – out back and burn it?” “Can I call you a car – or will you be riding a boxcar out of town?”

Carolyn Castiglia

My mom says to me, “Honey, I don’t want you to think I have diabetes
because I’m fat. I have diabetes because it runs in our family.” I
said, “No, mom, you have diabetes because no one runs in our family!”
(Adira Amram’s favorite)

David Wain

Have you heard they’re doing a sequel to “Brokeback Mountain?”

No, what’s it called?

“Brokeback Mountain 2.”

Desiree Burch

I don’t wear vanilla-scented lotion or perfume. Most girls love that
crap, but I can’t do it. ‘Cause I can’t be the fat girl that smells
like Rice Krispie treats. Can’t do it. People are all like, “God,
Desiree! Did you eat again?!”

Marc Maron

It’s significant Barack Obama is running. I think it’s important for
black people to have a chance to be misrepresented by one of their own.

(Greg Proops’ favorite)

Todd Levin

I just got engaged. My fiancée won’t take my name because “Lisa Levin” sounds awful. So she’s just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand – it’s a family name.

Josh Comers

I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick “Me Kick” signs on my back. Then everyone thought I was the bully – with bad grammar and the courtesy to give a heads up.

(Liam McEneaney’s favorite)

Freddie Roman

A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral,
the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the
coffin, the woman yells, “Oh, my God!” She lived another four years.
She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband
yells, “Watch out for the wall!” (David Wain’s favorite)

Dave Attell

I hate to travel. I guess it’s because my father used to beat me with
a globe.

(Todd Levin’s favorite)
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Heston Family Has Difficulty Coping with his Death

The family of Charlton Heston is reportedly having a hard time dealing with his death last Saturday night. “Taking the guns from his cold dead hands – much creepier than expected,” reports a family spokesperson.

Even though he gave us permission to do this several times, the rigor mortis made it fairly difficult, and way creepier than you would think.”

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Xtreme Parting Thought

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.

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5 thoughts on “Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 4/16/08

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