Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition – 5/18/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs There’s Trouble at The Weather Channel

10. They’re rerunning forecasts from 2004
9. Weathercasters giggle every time they say, “ball lightning”
8. Hours of programming devoted to footage of clouds that look like monkeys
7. Watercooler talk includes hilarious comments like, “Doppler. I don’t even know her.”
6. Long range forecast – “Winter: Cold, Summer: Hot”
5. CEO was caught selling anemometers out of the trunk of his car
4. Smiling graphic on the sun is giving the finger
3. From 6pm to midnight it’s just a guy making wind noises with his mouth
2. They don’t have a single magician on this week
1. Satellite shot always seems to catch Jennifer Aniston sunbathing

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

vaxhumor@hotmail.com

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Late Night

The other day in Iowa, a 78-year-old blind man went bowling, and he bowled a perfect game. Of course, no one had the heart to tell him he was in a supermarket.
~Conan O’Brien

A new economic study coming out today shows that women have an easier time getting a job than men. All except Hillary Clinton.
~Craig Ferguson

Hillary said she will not give up. She will go to the convention and win . . . to which the bartender said, “Ma’am, it’s 2 a.m. We’re closing.”
~Jay Leno

Hillary’s new slogan: “I’m Just in It Now to Annoy the Hell Out of Everybody.”
~Jay Leno

Political experts say the only thing to stop Barack Obama now is a major sex scandal, and that’s not going to happen because Barbara Walters said, “He’s way too young for me.”
~Jay Leno

Hillary just won’t quit. You have to admire somebody against all odds who just won’t quit. She has absolutely no chance of being president. And she’s running out of money. Today she was wearing a certified pre-owned pantsuit.
~David Letterman

If you look at this historically, it’s not that hard to believe that Hillary is still campaigning. Once a year . . . in his basement . . . Al Gore gives a State of the Union address.
~David Letterman

Jenna Bush got married over the weekend. It was so lovely. At the reception, President Bush got to dance with his lovely daughter. It was the first time he’s led in eight years.
~David Letterman

Bush danced with everyone at the reception. Then Cheney shot the cake.
~David Letterman

Big blowout in West Virginia for Hillary. Which means that one day she could be president of . . . West Virginia.
~Jay Leno

In a recent speech, Barack Obama said he has visited all 57 states. After hearing this, President Bush said, “Ha-ha . . . he forgot Alaska and Hawaii.”
~Conan O’Brien

The other day a man in London dressed as Darth Vader assaulted two men dressed as Jedi knights. He got drunk and assaulted two men dressed as Jedi knights. He was sentenced to two months in jail and 10 more years living in his parents’ basement.
~Conan O’Brien

In Wisconsin, a driver took a wrong turn and crashed into the bathroom at a Taco Bell. The Taco Bell’s owner is calling it the second worst bathroom accident that day.
~Conan O’Brien

A new survey says that of the 10 fastest growing cities in America, four of them are in Texas: Dallas, Houston, Austin . . . and Narnia.
~Conan O’Brien

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S & T Jokes & Toons
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A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a
swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator
control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby
college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change
in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to
reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to
assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium. It
seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

*****

The Catholic Church’s air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it’d be funny to try and mess with the lady’s mind. In his best authoritative voice, he said, “This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered.” The little old lady didn’t even blink, just kept on saying her prayers.
The man decided maybe she didn’t hear him, and tried again. “This is
Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!” Again, she
didn’t react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. “THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!” The lady looks up and says, “SHUT UP! I’M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!”

*****

Butch, our boxer, hated taking medicine. After a lot of trial and
error, my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it
into him: blow it down Butch’s throat with something called a ‘pill tube.’ So, Dad put the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced
the reluctant dog’s jaws open, and poked the other end into his
mouth. Then, just as my father inhaled to blow, Butch coughed. A
startled look appeared on Dad’s face. He opened his eyes wide and
swallowed hard. “I think I’ve just been de-wormed,” he gasped.

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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Must be 18 or older to join

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“My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she’d
have killed him if we hadn’t stopped her.”
“He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?”
“No, that’s not what made her the maddest.”
“It’s not?”
“No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the fucking curtains.”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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What can a bird do that
A man can not do?
Now don’t cheat….think about it!
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Whistle through his pecker!

~thanks to garythexton

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An old man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the
soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. The
old man replies, “It was good, but you could give a little more bread.”
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. “How was your meal, sir?” the manager asks. “It was good, but you could give a little more bread,”
comes the reply.
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. “How was your meal today, sir?” the manager asks. “Good, but you could give a little more bread,”
comes the reply.
So . . . the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup! “How was your meal, sir?” the manager asks, when he comes to pay.
“It was good, but you could give just a little more bread,” comes the
reply once again.
The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is
satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a
six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next
day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the
entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.
The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and
when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: “How was your meal TODAY, sir?” The old man replies: “It was good as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!”

~thanks to num

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Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe’s Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, ‘Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.

‘The young guy says, ‘That’s OK. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.’

The old guy says, ‘Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?’

The young guy says, ‘Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. ‘What does your wife look like?’

The old timer says…… ‘Doesn’t matter — let’s look for yours.’

Most Old timers are helpful like that!

~thanks to RSommers

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It’s time again for the annual ‘Stella Awards’! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That’s right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella’s for the past year:

7TH PLACE:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more…

4TH PLACE:

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr … Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella’s to go…

2ND PLACE:

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000….oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)

This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid…?

~thanks to thetopk9

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Joke of the Year

Two women were sitting together, quietly.

~thanks to gbrownis

(editor’s note: I resemble resent that remark!)

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Four guys are driving across country together – one from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Florida, and one from New York.

A short ways down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, “What the heck are you doing?” The man from Idaho says, “We have so many of these darned things in Idaho they’re laying around on the ground. I’m sick of looking at them!”

A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling husks of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.

The man from Florida asks “What are you doing that for?” The Nebraskan replies, “We have so many of these darned things in Nebraska I’m sick of looking at them!”

Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

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An old drunk stumbles across a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, preacher, I sure am.”

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asks.
“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”
“Noooo, I have not, Reverend.”

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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“Honey,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “It looks like the government is going to cut the military forces. They are going to eliminate six over-aged destroyers.”

To which her now ex-husband replies, “Sorry to hear that, dear. I’m sure you will miss your mother when she’s gone.”

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Xtreme Parting Thought

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

 

That’s a wrap…exit, stage left.

3 thoughts on “Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition – 5/18/08

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