Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition 6/29/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Travel Agent

10. Hotel stay is six days and two nights
9. Accepts payment in the form of personal check, credit card or freshly harvested kidneys
8. Won’t let you go on vacation for more than a week because he’ll miss you
7. When you’re in New York, he recommends you see a taping of “The Late Show”
6. Instead of the Ritz, you’re staying at the Ratz
5. Your “plane ticket” is a post-it note with the handwritten message “Please admit one to the airplane”
4. You have a layover at Laguardia Airport . . . an eight-day layover
3. No number 3 – writer on vacation
2. Forget the restroom – you’re riding in a JetBlue wheel well
1. Asks you to deliver a brown paper bag to a guy named Nikoli

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Late Night

Today is Paula Abdul’s birthday. If you haven’t gotten Paula a gift, you can’t go wrong with a new prescription.
~Craig Ferguson

Very embarrassing for her at her party: She showed up wearing the same dress as Ryan Seacrest.
~Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama says he will not accept $85 million of public financing for his campaign. I guess he’s raising more money on his own, but passing on $85 million . . . Here are some things you can buy with $85 million: 85 million items at the 99 cent store . . . $85 million could get you a whole summer’s worth of gas . . . or with $85 million, you could buy Heather Mills.
~Jimmy Kimmel

According to the Pentagon, at least 1,000 nuclear missiles or components in the U.S. arsenal are lost or cannot be located. We can’t even find our own weapons of mass destruction.
~Jay Leno

Today is the last day of school for some. Starting tomorrow at 9 a.m., teenagers all across the country will settle in on their couches for three straight months of Grand Theft Auto.
~Jimmy Kimmel

John McCain and Barack Obama are bickering over what to do when they catch Osama bin Laden. Obama wants to bring him to trial. John McCain wants to shoot him. I said, “Guys – how about somebody finding him first!”
~David Letterman

Scientists have come up with a pill that makes you less shy. It makes you more outgoing; it gives you more personality. And I’m thinking, “Great – now I have to bring two pills on a date.”
~David Letterman

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are going to be in a movie together. They’re doing a movie called, “What the Hell Are They Saying?”
~Craig Ferguson

Arnold Schwarzenegger met John McCain today. There was an awkward moment when they shook hands and McCain’s hand broke off.
~Craig Ferguson

An interesting study was released today. People in California are less convinced there is a God than people of any state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires are burning out of control here.
~Jimmy Kimmel

It’s very hard for firefighters to get them under control, because the vegetation up in northern California, where the fires are, is about 40 percent marijuana plants.
~Jimmy Kimmel

Support crews are supposed to be bringing in supplies, but they keep bringing in Doritos and chocolate milkshakes.
~Jimmy Kimmel

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President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church
outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his pathetic
poll standings. His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, ‘We’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president’s position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We’ll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint.’

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, ‘The
Church is desperate for funding – I’ll do it.’

Bush showed up for the sermon, and the Bishop began: ‘I’d like to
speak to you all this morning about our President who is a liar, a
cheat, and a low-intelligence numb-nuts who can’t put a compound
sentence together.

He bugged out of combat service during the Vietnam War and went AWOL
to avoid a drug test, then had all reports on the sordid event
destroyed.

He is the spawn of a Nazi loving great grandfather who smuggled anti-
Americans into this country on his shipping line.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and
manipulate the American people.

He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. It is a three-trillion dollar folly.

He appointed fund-raiser cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction due to government paralysis after Hurricane Katrina.

He awarded no-bid cost-plus contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we’ve had since the Depression.

He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since
Teapot Dome.

The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars.

Oil rose from $18 to over a hundred and thirty per barrel, leading to transportation costs which the people of America cannot afford, with low minimum wages, part time jobs, no health insurance, and outsourcing.

Vital research into global warming and stem cells is stifled because
he’s afraid to lose votes from religious kooks.

He is the worst example of a true Christian I’ve ever known, but
compared to Dick Cheney… George W. Bush is a saint.

*****

Some HMO’s are so stingy they send you to a schizophrenic for a second opinion.

*****

The U. S. has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any
strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat? The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES. The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT? Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR.

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience.
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.
Friend: How so?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food.
They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs.
They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee.
Then there was the head nurse…

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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The teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

First pupil: ‘Tylenol?’

Teacher: ‘Very good! And what is it used for?’

Pupil: ‘It is used for headaches’

Second pupil: ‘Nytol Teacher’

Teacher: ‘Excellent. And what it is used for?’

Pupil: ‘To help you sleep’

Now it is Johnny’s turn and he says: ‘Viagra’

Teacher, slightly shocked: ‘Johnny, What do you think is it used for?’

Johnny: ‘It can be used for diarrhea’

Teacher: ‘Who told you this?’

Johnny: ‘Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father …

‘Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder’

~thanks to garythexton

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A teenage granddaughter
Comes downstairs for her date with
This see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
Telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
‘Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!
And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
That she has friends coming over
And that it is just not appropriate. ….
The grandmother says,
‘Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
Then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

~thanks to RSommers

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What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction?

A boneless chicken.

~thanks to thetopk9

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Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at four forty-four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . “Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake!” said an angry voice.

Bernard thanked the caller, and checked the caller I.D. for which neighbor had called.

The next morning at precisely four forty-four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor back . . .

“Good morning, Mr. Williams…. Just called to say that I don’t *have* a dog.”

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Lunching at a Chinese restaurant, my friend noticed his table had been set with forks but not chopsticks. “Chopsticks are provided on request,” the waiter told him.

My friend had a better idea. “If you handed them out, you wouldn’t have to pay someone to wash the forks.”

“True,” came the response. “But then we’d have to hire three more people to clean up the mess.”

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Collection of Advice From Old Folks

“Forget looks an’ tits an’ shit. All ya needs from life is a woman with a heart of gold and a fanny like a jar of worms.”

People in power only hold that power because you allow them to. If they abuse that power, you can take it away from them. This applies to relationships, employers, landlords, councils and the Government.

When you think “I’ll just have one more drink” – don’t have it.

If there is somthing in your life you love doing – try to find a job where they will pay you to do it.

“It’s easier to get a girlfriend when you already have a girlfriend”

“Don’t be surprised when people are not pleased for your success and are happy when you fail”

“Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was growing up we weren’t allowed to” (Granny – aged 89). She’s also advised me never to do cocaine, and also that marijuana brownies are great.

My great uncle also once told me to never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin.

“Never look at your mom when she’s eating a banana.”

“Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home ‘early’ she’ll be delighted that you’ve cut short your night out to be with her”

“Never chase after a bus or a girl – another one’ll come along soon enough!”

No one wins in a fight. If you hit him 20 times and he hits you once it still fucking hurts.

Always kick a man when he is down because you probably won’t have the balls to hit him if he gets back up.

Genuine good advice from my Grandad – ‘Don’t listen to your mother, she never has known what she’s talking about’

Never trust a man whose tie is lighter than his shirt.

My nan tells me spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down… I’m a fucking diabetic.

My Gran told me that if my poo floated, in the toilet obviously, then I wasn’t eating properly. Once my jobbies went under, I could consider myself pretty healthy.

“Life is like riding a bike. If you look down or look back, you’ll fall off. The only way to get where you want to go is to look forward.”

The best advice I ever received was written on the side of a box of matches, it said “Keep dry and away from children”

Ugly women… …have vaginas too, son.

Never trust a man with a beard, he’s hiding something.

“If you take longer strides when you’re walking, your shoes will last longer”.

Never sleep with a woman who’s problems are worse than your own.

“Never skimp on spending money on a good pair of shoes and a decent bed. If you’re not in one, you’re in the other”.

“Never get separated from your lunch”

“life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got the better it tastes”

“always leave a party while you’re still having fun, you’re a young lad now but later you’ll understand, never forget”

Women are like cowpats, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up…

“He who is scared and runs away, lives to run another day!”

“Never trust a dog with a curly tail”

Always take a dump when you’re at work, you’re getting paid for it

Don’t eat gravy and ice cream at the same time.

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I just joined a new fast-audio book club. We listen to standard audio books, but save time by just fast-forwarding through them to the end. I finished “The Great Gatsby” in 20 minutes. It’s an extremely overrated novel about a lot of high-pitched chirping noises.

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Xtreme Parting Thought

I hate clichés. They’re not my cup of tea.

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