Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition 7/6/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You

10. You turn on television and see a live feed of your shower
9. While you’re ordering pizza, mysterious voice on the phone tells you to forget the mushrooms
8. There’s been an ice cream truck parked outside your house for nine months
7. Your dog has an antenna
6. You came home early and found an agent dusting your wife for prints
5. Your cat has an antenna
4. After eating a falafel, your name was added to the “Do Not Fly” list
3. Drudge Report features exclusive news about your breakfast
2. CIA director Hayden calls and says, “Judging by these surveillance photos, you should get that thing on your ass looked at”
1. During State of the Union, president suggests you to ask your doctor about Levitra

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

vaxhumor@hotmail.com

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Late Night

Next month all the hookers in New York leave for Minneapolis for the Republican Convention.
~David Letterman

Sen. Larry Craig has already booked his airport restroom.
~David Letterman

It’s Michael Vick’s birthday. He won’t be celebrating because he’s in prison. But dogs all over America are going crazy.
~Craig Ferguson

They’re all saying, “Who’s your bitch now?”
~Craig Ferguson

Today is independence day for Madagascar. That’s where the pirates used to hang out and do “piraty” things . . . like drink rum . . . powder their cannon balls . . . get into sword fights . . . like a party at Elton John’s house.
~Craig Ferguson

It’s the last weekend in California to drive and talk on the cell phone without a headset. Starting Tuesday, if you’re caught talking on the phone without a hands-free device, you get hit with a $20 fine. So they are not screwing around. That’s almost an eighth of a tank of gas.
~Jimmy Kimmel

One nice thing – now that I will have my hands free, it’s easier to return gun fire with motorists.
~Jimmy Kimmel
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Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter
tells him, “You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths
that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you
really are?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I
have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard
and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics
and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really
ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome to heaven!” The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again,
Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”
Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly
stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great
artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!” Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
How can you prove yours?” George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”
Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

*****

A woman was looking at the exhibition in the storefront windows. She
liked one of the dresses that was there, so she went inside, and
searched the racks — but was unable to locate one like it. “May I try on that
dress in the window?” the gorgeous young woman asks the
manager of the designer boutique. “Go ahead,” the manager replies.
“Maybe it’ll attract business.”

*****

Our nephew was getting married to a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding
reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he
had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his
speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep
emotion. But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I’m
sorry. I can’t seem to make out what I’ve written down.” Looking out
into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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FUNNERS
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At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words ‘sex’ and ‘love.’
Jane wrote: ‘When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.’
And Joe wrote: ‘I fucking love sex.’

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. Both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.”
The woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, “Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?”
The woman gets up and enters the man’s bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, “Clumsy bitch.”

~thanks to RSommers

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Two guys in a bar…
One says “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”
” Wooo, what the hell happened to him?”
“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”
“What a horrible way to die!”
“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”
“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”
“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”
“No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”
“Man, what a way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”
“Now that is one awful way to go!”
“No no, he survived that, he …”
“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”
“I shot him!”
“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”
“He was wrecking my damn house.”

~thanks to num

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TOP 11 WAYS TO AVOID HAMSTER ATTACKS

1) Avoid dark alleys that smell like wood chips.
2) Stay away from tiny exercise wheels.
3) Never cover your entire body in Cheez-Whiz, then roll around in sunflower seeds.
4) Do not play “Cher’s Greatest Hits” on your boom box. This music has been known to make gerbils turn evil, and may have a similar effect on hamsters.
5) Always carry ten to twelve angry cats with you wherever you go.
6) Don’t act like a nut. Hamsters enjoy the taste of nuts, and your actions might make them hungry. Also, please refrain from “going bananas”.
7) Hamsters generally don’t like the smell of dog poop. So, as a precaution, it’s probably a good idea to roll around in dog poop as often as possible.
8 ) Do not dress entirely in red clothing. You might be mistaken for a giant apple, which most hamsters consider to be a delicious treat. Instead, whenever possible, dress up like a giant plate of sauerkraut (which many hamsters find unappetizing).
9) If you are attacked by a hamster, curl up into a ball and lie motionless on the ground. Most hamsters don’t live past the age of three, so be patient. Chances are you will outlive them.
10) If a hamster is chasing you, climb up a tree and hang onto one of the branches. But be forewarned: if the hamster waves at you, DO NOT WAVE BACK (it’s an old hamster trick which might make you fall out of the tree).
11) Hamsters are afraid of lions, so it might be a good idea to cover your body with steak sauce and lock yourself in a cage with extremely hungry lions.

http://www.whenhamstersattack.com/index.php

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Jack Bauer Facts

Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because he’s a pussy.

Kiefer Sutherland drinks to forget all the terrible things Jack Bauer has done.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

They say you can’t go a day without water, Jack Bauer has gone five seasons.

Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar.

The war in Iraq will end when Jack Bauer vacations there.

As a boy, Jack Bauer interrogated his parents on Easter until they revealed the location and contents of each hidden egg.

After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

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Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked, ‘Grandma, what’s that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?’

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.’

Little Tony just said, ‘Oh. OK.’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds, and Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’

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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’ He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumbass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So Susie called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

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I can’t decide who’s the bigger geek, the person who used “FF0000” for the vanity plate on their red car, or me because I knew that FF0000 is the hexadecimal value for red.

–Bill Hewins

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Xtreme Parting Thought

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

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