Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition 7/20/08

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Bank

10. Teller asks, “How may I swindle you?”
9. Instead of Andrew Jackson, their $20 bills have a picture of Tito Jackson
8. They promise they’ll have your money if you come back after tonight’s Keno drawing
7. Interest paid not in money, but in Saltines
6. ATM looks suspiciously like a Ms. Pac-Man machine
5. Loan officer will approve your loan only if you’ll let him rub you
4. Bank robbers leave with a sack of IOUs
3. Most banks are backed by the FDIC. Your bank is backed by KFC
2. They made $2 million loan to Hillary Clinton campaign
1. Manager giggles whenever he says, “Early withdrawal”


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Late Night

On Fox News, Jesse Jackson, during an interview, not realizing his mike was on, said some pretty nasty things about Barack Obama including that he would like to cut his testicles off. Hillary Clinton commented on the remark saying, “I don’t know what the big deal is – I say that to Bill at least once a week.”
~Jay Leno

On Fox News, Jesse Jackson was caught saying he wants to cut Barack Obama’s n**s off. This marks the nicest thing ever said about Barack Obama on Fox News.
~Conan O’Brien

John McCain’s economic adviser Phil Gramm is under fire. He says Americans are bunch of whiners. He also says the country is in a mental recession, we are experiencing a mental slowdown . . . kind of like President Bush.
~Jay Leno

Today’s New York Times once again raised the issue that John McCain may not be eligible to be president because he’s not a natural born U.S. citizen. Apparently, McCain was born outside the 13 colonies.
~Conan O’Brien

Barack Obama this week was endorsed by the U.S. Black Golfers Association. Not only that, Obama was also endorsed by the Association of Asian Hockey Players.
~Conan O’Brien

Barack Obama says that he worries about everybody in America who might lose their job . . . unless they work for The New Yorker.
~Jay Leno

Angelina Jolie gave birth to twins over the weekend. Everybody’s healthy; everybody’s happy. Then you know what happened? Angelina adopted them.
~David Letterman

In a brand new interview, John McCain admits that his staff has to show him Web sites because he has trouble getting on the Internet by himself. Yesterday, McCain tried to surf the Internet for half an hour until his staff told him that he was actually holding an Etch-a-Sketch.
~Conan O’Brien

A European brewery has purchased Anheuser-Busch, the makers of Budweiser, for $52 billion. Which is a shame because if they had waited until happy hour they could have paid half that.
~Conan O’Brien

This week Starbucks is unveiling a new drink called a Vivanno. Apparently Vivanno is the Italian word for “You just wasted $8.”
~Conan O’Brien

I’m growing a mustache for Vegas Week. Lots of great Vegas entertainers had mustaches . . . Robert Goulet . . . Sammy Davis Jr. . . . Cher . . .
~Craig Ferguson


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Dave and Judy were going over the expenses for their upcoming wedding.
“$3800 for a dress that’s only going to be worn ONCE?” Dave asks. “Who says it’s only going to be worn once?” Judy responds. “Oh?” Dave says with one eyebrow raised. “You’re planning to get married again? You know you can’t wear virginal white the second time!” “No,” Judy says, “But I do plan to have a daughter and she’ll wear it on her wedding day. And she’ll have a daughter who will wear it on her wedding day. And her daughter will wear it on her wedding day. It will become a family heirloom.” “I’ll bet your mother never bought such an extravaganza,” Dave taunts. “Oh yeah?” Judy counters. “Well, she did too smarty!” “OK,” Dave says. “Then why don’t you wear hers?” Judyanswers, “Who wants to get married in THAT old thing?!”


An eight-year-old boy asked his father what is the difference with an old-time woman’s panty and a now-a- days panty. His father told him that from his experience the only suitable answer he could give him was that you had to move the panty to see the ass a long time ago, but now you have to move the ass to see the panty!


Joseph Alois Ratzinger was not the Cardinals’ first choice for Pope.
It was Cardinal Hans Grapje. Grapje was raised in a Catholic school
and as a young man aspired to become a priest. However, he was drafted into the Army during World War II and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943, resulting in the loss of his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a military chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across
the continent.

In 1997, Father Grapje (now an archbishop) was serving in Zimbabwe
when an explosion in a silver mine caused a massive cave-in, trapping scores of miners deep in the earth. Archbishop Grapje went down into
the mine to administer comfort and last rites to those too severely
injured to move. Another shaft collapsed and entombed him for three
days; he suffered multiple injuries, including the loss of his right

Some time after being rescued, he developed a severe condition from
his extensive underground exposure to the high silver content in the
mine’s air. It is characterized by purplish skin blotches and is found in many life-long silver miners.

For his heroism and selfless service to others, the church elevated
him to Cardinal. With the passing of Pope John Paul II, he joined the other Cardinals in Rome for the funeral and the conclave to select a
new Pope from their ranks.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a
scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders felt that he could never ascend to the Papacy.

The Church just couldn’t accept a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple
papal leader.

~thanks to Stan Kegel


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Did you hear about the stressed out Priest who went to the Doctor in a panic and asked him, “What does it mean Doc, when I go pee it burns like the Fire of Satan and I have this God awful drip?” The Doc,smiled and said, “It means the alterboy lied. He wasn’t a Virgin.”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/



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A man hails a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’
Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’
Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’
Cabbie: ‘Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.’
Passenger: ‘Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: ‘There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.’
Passenger. ‘Wow, some guy then.’
Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the
wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.’
Passenger: ‘An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?’
Cabbie: ‘Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his damn widow.’

~thanks to RSommers


Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?

() () () ()

Obama was lecturing a group of students and asked for their strict
attention . He clapped his hands and a few seconds later he clapped his hands again. He said “do you realize that every time I clap my hands a child dies from a hand gun” A voice from the back of the class hollered “stop clapping you stupid shit”.

~thanks to The Earl of Bodfish


A contestant on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, ‘Which20of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture.

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ….Her friend was, well– blonde. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: ‘That’s easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.’

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Merideth any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with suchconfidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

‘I need an answer,’ said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, ‘C: The cuckoo.’
‘Is that your final answer?’
‘Yes, that is my final answer.’
Two minutes later, Meredith said, ‘That answer is. Absolutely correct!
You are now a millionaire!’

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her fami ly and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. ‘Stephanie, I just do not know how to thank you,’ said the contestant. ‘How did you happen to know the right answer?’

‘Oh, come on,’ said the blonde…’Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.’

~thanks to garythexton


Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.

‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied, ‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’

‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, ‘Not this time!’

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated wit h such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

‘I have to show you something you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead?!?! ‘

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. ‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’

‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh it’s a statue.’ she replied. ‘The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.’ No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

Here, he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

‘Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.’

‘One cent?’ the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’

‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.

‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’

The bartender replied, ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’

The man asked, ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’

The bartender replied, ‘The same thing I’m do ing to his business down here.’

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, ‘ I have something I must confess.’

‘There’s no need to,’ his wife replied.

No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’

‘I know, I know,’ she replied. ‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’

~thanks to Dave Headman


What Store Employees Really Mean:

1. “Can I help you get a size?”
(Don’t touch that, I just spent an hour folding it and I don’t need your
hands messing it up again.)

2. “Do you need help with anything?”
(Quick, my manager is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.)

3. “Welcome to (Store Name Here)”
(Good, another customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair
of socks.)

4. “Have a nice day!”
(Now that you ruined mine.)

5. “Thank you for shopping at (Store Name Here)”
(Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!)

6. “Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your items?”
(The more you can carry, the more you can buy!)

7. “I love your shirt! Where did you get it?”
(Your shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here. Why are you even
shopping here?)

8. “Can I help you get something down?”
(I’ll get a ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
customer put
in the absolute wrong place.)

9. “Don’t worry about folding it, I can do it”
(You would just mess it up again if you folded it.)

10. “No, we don’t have any more in the back”
(I just don’t want to check.)


As a young married couple,
a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex
near the military base where he was working.

Their chief complaint was that the walls
were paper thin and they had no privacy.

That was painfully obvious one morning
when the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone.
She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.

“Give this to your husband,” he said,
thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands.
“He’s been yelling for it for 15 minutes!”


It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on
a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure
all areas were evenly done.

It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing
some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy’s yard, looked
at the scene and exclaimed…”Hey buddy, not only is
your music box not making any music, but your monkey’s
on fire!”


Xtreme Parting Thought

I’m writing a book about the recession – It starts with Chapter 11.

One thought on “Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition 7/20/08

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