Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 7/23/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Questions Asked Of Barack Obama On His Trip Overseas

10. “Which countries do you plan to invade based on faulty intelligence?”
9. “Seriously, why the hell do you want this job?”
8. “Are you looking for a great deal on a used camel?”
7. “If you want to visit a war zone, how about the Alex Rodriguez marriage?”
6. “So is Lindsay Lohan actually dating that chick?”
5. “Can you explain the ‘feels like’ number?”
4. “How many Obamas still living in Ireland?”
3. “If you’re elected, will you be an entertaining dumb-ass like Bush?”
2. “Can you do anything about Andy Dick?”
1. “Do you know Batman?”

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

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Late Night

Angelina had twins over the weekend. Brad Pitt said he couldn’t wait to get his hands on the twins . . . and then the babies.
~Craig Ferguson

Apple says they’ve sold about 1 million of those new phones over three days. At this rate they’ll sell 10 million right around the time it starts working.
~Craig Ferguson

Baseball fans here in the audience? Earlier tonight, the All-Star Game up there in Yankee Stadium – very exciting. And if there’s one thing I like, I’m telling you, it’s a four-and-a-half hour game that doesn’t count.
~David Letterman

Hey, how many folks stayed inside today to watch President Bush’s latest press conference? Well, you know, we’re in the middle of a banking crisis, and today on television, President Bush assured Americans that he is taking steps to resolve the financial crisis. Well, that’s good enough for me. Come on, let’s go to the park.
~David Letterman

In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama called for African-Americans to be better parents. Obama said, ‘Not all black children can be raised by Angelina Jolie.’
~Conan O’Brien

A woman in Florida is being charged with assault because she attacked her boyfriend with a toilet seat after she caught him smoking crack in the bathroom. Florida police say that otherwise it was business as usual at Shady Pines Retirement Village.
~Conan O’Brien

A guy goes into a Subway restaurant and orders a huge sandwich. In the sandwich, there was a knife with a nine-inch blade. Only in New York does your lunch pull a knife on you.
~David Letterman

This week, the Bush administration added the 1 millionth name to the U.S. terrorist-watch list. So congratulations to Peggy Watkins of Phoenix, Ariz.
~Conan O’Brien

Yesterday at the White House, President Bush gave a press conference about the economy, and he said we’re in a “time of uncertainty.” Then Bush said, “You know . . . like the moment after ‘Dora the Explorer’ ends, but before ‘SpongeBob’ starts.”
~Conan O’Brien

Angelina Jolie decided to name her new son Knox because it ends in the letter x just like her other sons Maddox and Pax. Jolie better not have any more sons because the only two names left are Xerox and Ex-Lax.
~Conan O’Brien

The guy from CSI, Bill Peterson, is retiring. I like CSI – sexy cops chasing sexy criminals . . . not at all like real cops. Real cops is like the show “Cops.” Not sexy at all. Some guy chasing another guy gets caught with crack . . . then he’s screaming, “It’s not mine! It’s Lindsay Lohan’s.”
~Craig Ferguson

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke testified before Congress yesterday. I don’t want to say the financial situation doesn’t look good, but he testified via satellite from the Caymen Islands.
~Jay Leno

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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length
of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy
and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

‘When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up
Chicks’

*****

I’m going to bed early tonight, even though it’s not anywhere near
dark. The Mrs. asked me, “Do you want dinner?” And I cordially
answered, “Sure! What are my choices?” Then she answered me, “Yes and
no.” It’s been like that all day long.

*****

A gay couple who are dear friends of ours were over for dinner when
the conversation drifted round to ‘opposites attract.’ According to my wife, one illustration of this phenomenon is that in every happy
couple there is always an organized and tidy one (her) and a more
spontaneous, less organized one (me). It helps if one partner is more
obsessed with tidiness than the other, right? Nods of recognition all
round from me and the gay chaps. “So,” she asks brightly, “which one
of you two is the anal one?”

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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If you love to ogle gorgeous hunks topless
you will love our daily newsletter.
The pictures are tasteful and there is no naughty bits shown.
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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?” “There is,” he replied. “I want fuck’n breakfast.”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat
ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having
some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, “What’s wrong honey?”
She replies, “My head hurts.”
Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, “Is it better now?”
“Yes,” she says.
Then he asks, “Does it hurt somewhere else?”
“Here,” she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses
her lips.
“Is it better now?”
“Much better.”
“Anywhere else?”
She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her
neck. Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the
young man, “Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?”

~thanks to RSommers

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“Am I Gay?” Self Examination For Men

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay — it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… “Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat…”Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and your in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you own designer kneepads. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Soy Latte”. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a fag.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut off the jerk. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a burger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker!!

~thanks to garythexton

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A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a
little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.

‘How much do you want for the mower?’ asked the preacher.

‘I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,’ said the
little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my
bike in trade for it?’

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding
the bike around a little while, said, ‘Mister, you’ve got yourself a
deal.’

The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the
rope a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, ‘I can’t get this
mower to start.’

The little boy said, ‘That’s because you have to cuss at it to get it
started.’

The preacher said, I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I became a
Christian that I don’t even remember how to cuss.’

The little boy looked at him happily and said, ‘You just keep pulling
on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.’

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More Jack Bauer Facts

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there’s no life on Mars.

Jack Bauer is the reason Waldo is hiding.

On most Health insurance forms the last question is “Have you now, or ever in your past, made Jack Bauer mad? yes or no.

In the past five years Steven Segal has lost 20 pounds running from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

When Jack Bauer is bored, he goes next door and kick’s his neighbor’s ass. His neighbor is Chuck Norris.

When Jack Bauer looks in the mirror, his reflection has to look away.

Jack Bauer doesn’t have to do anything for a Klondike bar.

Not only is Jack Bauer on a first name basis with Death, Jack has slept with his sister and covers for him when he goes on holiday.

Jack Bauer’s vanity plate reads: IKIL4CTU

James Bond has a collection of Jack Bauer posters in his room.

The real reason Jack Bauer was fired from CTU was his massive cell phone bill.

A “Bauer movement” is when you shit your pants after Jack Bauer shows up at your door.

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A friend is teaching an introductory biology class at a local
university. The topic last week was mammals, and she was preparing a
Power Point slide show with images of various animals to illustrate
the huge diversity of the mammals. Of course the obvious place to look for images is on the Internet, and she had great success with searches for “armadillo photos” and “whale photos” and “monkey photos.” Then she made her mistake: she did a search for “beaver photos.”

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Xtreme Parting Thought

I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

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