Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition 7/27/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Your Monkey Needs a Bath

10. Even his fleas have fleas
9. He’s sweating right through his adorable monkey sailor suit
8. Your daily horoscope reads, “Today is a great day to wash your monkey”
7. Tries to cover up odor by wearing too much monkey aftershave
6. Even the really slutty monkey next door refuses to groom him
5. Town’s sign reads “Home of the Rancid Baboon Stench”
4. You purchase so much Lysol, they put you on the board of directors
3. Threatening note thrown through your window tied to a banana
2. Been offered the cover of next month’s “Smelly Monkey Magazine”
1. He smells like Andy Dick
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Late Night

Happy birthday to Sen. Larry Craig – 63 on Sunday. He has a big party planned. Earlier today he shoved invitations under the stalls.
~David Letterman

If you’re going, just look for the airport men’s rooms with the balloons.
~David Letterman

The government of Cuba announced today that by the year 2010 Cuba will have high-speed Internet service. Not only that, by 2011 Cuba will have a computer.
~Conan O’Brien

The Walt Disney Corporation announced that it is going to build a Disneyland in mainland China. Apparently it will be the first Disneyland built for children by children.
~Conan O’Brien

There’s a new interview out with Jessica Alba. She explains why her baby girl is named Honor. A lot of celebrities name their baby after where the baby was conceived. Honor is named Honor because Jessica was “on her” back when she was conceived.
~Craig Ferguson

The new Batman movie is out. Batman has been played by lot of actors . . . Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney . . . that bat suit has a lot of guys inside it. It’s like Paris Hilton.
~Craig Ferguson

“Batman” made $150 million over the weekend. The only place with longer lines was customers trying to get their money out of IndyMac Bank.
~Jay Leno

One of the characters was Two-Face. He appears one way from one side, but is totally different from the other side. I believe he was played by Jesse Jackson.
~Jay Leno

Los Angeles made the list of the top 10 most walkable cities in the U.S. Nobody walks in Los Angeles! The only reason we even have sidewalks is so Andy Dick has some place to sleep.
~Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of The New Yorker.
~Jay Leno

This is Barack’s third day in the Middle East. And President Bush said that he has no timetable for bringing him back home.
~Jay Leno

New pictures of Britney Spears have emerged . . . holding a pack of cigarettes while her son, Sean Preston, has a lighter in his hand. At least they’re spending quality time together. A lot of moms don’t make time to smoke with their kids.
~Jimmy Kimmel

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To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to
lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would
drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular
container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while,
until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay. “Sure,
it’s fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. “Why
do you ask?” The daughter explained, “Well, according to the
expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!”

*****

I work in OB GYN in a women hospital. One of our doc’s tells of
working in a fertility clinic during his training. A very heavy woman
came to them and said she had been trying to get pregnant for 3 years
When he got her in the stirrups he found out she was still a virgin.
He asked her if her husband penetrated her when they had sex. She
laughed and said,” He think he do!”

*****

I live in Florida, and down here, they have these big tall palm trees.
It has been discovered that if you take one of the big leaves off the
tree, crush it up, and boil it for ten minutes, the result is a very
strong laxative drink. It just goes to show that with fronds like
these, you don’t need enemas.

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.” “I insist on another room!!” said the drunk.”Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don´t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fuck’n fire.”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he
wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’
The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar
like that.’
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am
the Father of many.’
The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and
two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and
went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for
a while, then leaned over and said, ”Maybe you should wear a condom
and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.

~thanks to RSommers

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This only begins to sum up our Government & why we as Australians are the way we are …

Australian Letter of the Year – Fabulous!

A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that we are far more direct and outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected w4nker who wouldn’t otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate. Below is one such wonderful communication…

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe
this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother’s name is Audrey, my Father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!…

SH1T!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning.
Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough of all this bullsh1t! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin’ there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a sh1t whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the
city, and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo.. that’d be too f*cking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f*cking heads cut off, and then having to find some high society w4nker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! …you f*cking morons

Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-society to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone ‘important’ to verify who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*CKING PAKISTAN!!!……a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not having the ‘right sort of government.’

You are all F*cking idiots

~thanks to garythexton

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had
to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge
outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.
He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish
community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the
Pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to
represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no
Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would
be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.
The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten,
and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had
happened? The Pope said, ‘First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger
to remind me there is still only one God common to both our
beliefs.’

‘Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to
show that God was also right here with us.’

‘I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us
of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the
original sin’. ‘He had beaten me at every move and I could not
continue.’

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi
how he had won. ‘I haven’t a clue,’ said the Rabbi. ‘First he
said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave
him the finger.’

‘Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of
Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here.’

‘And then what?’ asked a woman.

‘Who knows?’ said the Rabbi. ‘He took out his lunch, so I took
out mine.”

~thanks to num

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A Secretary’s Rules for Work

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which priority is. I am psychic.

Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

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My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, “Oh, but I’ve told you this one before, haven’t I?”

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

“What do you mean?” he replied. “I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me.”

“But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!”

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, “Don’t worry. After the second one I figured it wasn’t for me, so I passed it along!”

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As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after
surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”

“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied.
“We didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

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Xtreme Parting Thought

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

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