Xtreme Humor – Wednesday Edition 7/30/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Ways John McCain Can Appear More Youthful

10. Campaign in a batsuit
9. Instead of Lincoln, pepper speech with quotes from Brody Jenner
8. Get his Miracle Ear pierced
7. Stop yelling at reporters to get off his lawn
6. Play breakdancing vice principal in “High School Musical 3”
5. Take a page from Jason Giambi and grow a cool moustache
4. Wrestle a gator
3. Change name of “Straight Talk Express” to “J-Dawg’s Booty Wagon”
2. Stop promising a Packard in every garage and a goose in every icebox
1. Never hurts to nail a few interns

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

vaxhumor@hotmail.com

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Late Night

This week, NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They’ve been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC New denied it. They said, “That’s ridiculous. We’ve never even heard of John McCain.”
~Jay Leno

Barack Obama is behaving very presidential. He’s in the Middle East, and he met with leaders of Israel and Jordan. Not to be outdone, John McCain was in the park today playing checkers with Ed Koch.
~David Letterman

It was announced today that Los Angeles is banning plastic bags. So say goodbye to Pamela Anderson.
~Craig Ferguson

In Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised to name David Hasselhoff as his vice president.
~Jay Leno

To give you an idea how bad things are for McCain right now, the only way he could have less coverage is if he had a prime time show on NBC.
~Jay Leno

Today is National Tequila Day! That means tomorrow is National Wake Up in a Dumpster Day.
~Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama was in Germany today, and 100,000 people showed up. There were so many Germans shouting and screaming that France surrendered just in case.
~Craig Ferguson

Barack Obama is now in France. John McCain is doing what he can to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHop.
~Jay Leno

Happy birthday to Mick Jagger – 65 years old today. It’s too bad Keith Richards isn’t alive to see this.
~David Letterman

“Batman” has taken in more money than Brad and Angelina’s twins combined.
~Jimmy Kimmel

Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards looking at the National Enquirer.
~Jay Leno

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Davids Beautiful Babes
Wanna see something PHAT?
yep.. that is Pretty Hot and
Tempting.. Want to see what our
editor David has found for you??
You can bet one thing they will be
delivered free to your mailbox.
Send a blank e-mail to:
Davids_Beautiful_Babes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

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An Irishman’s wife calls the doctor, stating that her husband has
taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken his temperature; she
replied that she hadn’t but would and then call back. When she hadn’t
called within a half hour, the doctor called and asked her what had
happened. She said, “Well, I didn’t have a thermometer, so I put a
barometer on his chest and it said dry, so I gave him a pint and he
went off to work!”

*****

Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally
consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her
daughter fixed her up with. Morris picked up her and they went on a
picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris also had been widowed for a
long time and found himself very attracted to Sadie, and despite her
to her. Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed “I
don’t know how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness,
I sinned twice!” Morris said “What do you mean “twice” we only did it
once?” Sadie looked at Morris and said, “Well, you’re going to do it
again, aren’t you?”

*****

A new study shows that high school girls are more likely to exercise
vigorously while they’re in girls-only physical-education classes. Not surprisingly, the study also found that when boys are separated from girls in school, they tend to exercise more vigorously as well, but later in the day when they’re home alone.

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she’d been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late, and you’re still not fucking ready?”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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MARRIED LIFE

MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP. SUCH A HAPPY ENDING !! ?
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’

‘Where are you going, Coochy Coo?’ asked the wife.

‘I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,’ he answered. ‘I’m
going to have a beer’

The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’ She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, Lollipop….. But at the bar. You know, they have frozen glasses. ‘

He didn’t get to finish the sentence because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?’ She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer – so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.?
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious. I won’t be long. I’ll be right back, I promise. OK?’

‘You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?’ She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
‘But my sweet honey, at the bar you know there’s swearing, dirty word s and all that.’

‘You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT. SIT YOUR ASS
DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FRICKIN’ BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR DAMNED HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A BAR… THAT SHIT’S OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?’

And they lived happily ever after. Isn’t that a sweet story?

~thanks to RSommers

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A must read for Grandparents. Those who aren’t will love it, too.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, ‘Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?’
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
‘Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?’ The little boy nodded yes.
‘So,’ the coach continued, ‘I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?’

The little boy nodded again.

He continued, ‘And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach
‘a dumb ass’ is it?’
Again, the little boy nodded.

‘Good,’ said the coach. ‘Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.’

~thanks to garythexton

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You recently explained what a husband is. Well here is a logical explanation for what a wife is.
WIFE: “Someone who knows how to Wash, Iron, F**K, Etc.”

Yer Hillbilly friend in TN…
Ross
PROUD father of an American Soldier

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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the horse’s side anyway The horse gallops along, seeminglyimpervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune. ….

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say hello.

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One Sunday morning an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin.

Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old leather jacket and an equally worn out bible.

The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen.

The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories. As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him.

They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.

The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God’s work.

As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the biker to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.”

The old biker assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and leather jacket.

Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.

The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back t o our church.”

“I did,” replied the old biker. ”

“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshipping in here?” asked the preacher.

“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He says He’s never been here before.”

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Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra in case it is used to boost their performance on the track…” and “… Viagra could be used to raise the dogs’ blood pressure and therefore heart rate, making them run faster in the early stages of a race.”

If Viagra really does offer an advantage to these dogs, wouldn’t the whole plan backfire? I mean, come on, it’d be really easy to spot which one was going to be the winner, wouldn’t it? “.. and it looks like the winner is going to be Rover, by a nose… wait, that’s not his nose…”

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Xtreme Parting Thought

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the
bathroom.

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