Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition 8/3/08


Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Signs Barack Obama is Overconfident

10. Proposed bill to change Oklahoma to “Oklobama”
9. Offered Bush 20 bucks for the “Mission Accomplished” banner
8. Asked guy at Staples, “Which chair will work best in an oval-shaped office?”
7. The affair with Barbara Walters
6. Having head measured for Mount Rushmore
5. Guy sits around eating soup all day
4. He’s voting for Nader
3. Offered McCain a job in gift shop at Obama Presidential Library
2. Announced his running mate will be Andy Dick
1. Been cruising for chicks with John Edwards

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Late Night

Barack Obama is upset because the other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer Obama inserted into Jerusalem’s Western Wall. Experts say it’s even worse than the time The Washington Post printed President Bush’s letter to Santa.
~Conan O’Brien

The former mayor of Newark, N.J., was found guilty of corruption charges, and he is going to receive his sentence tomorrow. Prosecutors say that the mayor could get 10 years in prison or 20 years in Newark.
~Conan O’Brien

Polls show Obama more popular than McCain in Germany, France, and Great Britain. However, McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire. So, it’s pretty balanced.
~Jay Leno

Have you heard about this group called “Prayer at the Pump?” It’s a religious group that shows up at gas stations and they pray for lower prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy policy.
~Jay Leno
Everybody going to the Olympics is concerned about the air quality in China. A lot of smog. Friends over there tell me that the air in China looks like the air in Willie Nelson’s tour bus.
~David Letterman

Barack Obama announced that next month he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. After hearing about it, President Bush said, “I can’t believe he’s taking another trip to a foreign country.”
~Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton is trying to retire her campaign debt so she’s giving everyone who donates money a chance to have dinner with her. No word yet on what the winner gets.
~Conan O’Brien

In St. Louis, a church group is holding prayer services at gas stations asking God to lower fuel prices. If it works, the church will hold a prayer service at Starbucks.
~Conan O’Brien

There was a big earthquake today. It caused over $2 million in improvements to Joan Rivers.
~Craig Ferguson

The aftershocks are still rippling through Kirstie Ally.
~Craig Ferguson
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My friend’s sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted
an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when
someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to
the reception. Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note,
made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation. Family
and friends were surprised to read: “Conception immediately following
the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn.
“Everyone is invited.”

*****

Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:

“WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME.”

He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade
tree in Johnny’s front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger
sign that reads:

“WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL.”

She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in
front of Kathy’s yard.

Johnny’s pissed. How dare that GIRL?

Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street saying, “Let’s
get some laughs.”

“Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?”

“Give me a nickel and I’ll prove it to you.”

“Roy, give me your nickel!”

Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.

“What you want moved, boy?”

“Move my BOWELS!” Johnny said and starts laughing.

So Kathy kicked the shit out of him.

*****

The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the
congregation, “Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do
something about teenagers parking behind the church at night. I was
out there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to
build a car.” One of the old sisters stood up and said, “Amen brother, and enough rubbers to put tires on it.”

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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Two Ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
“I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one clergyman self righteously. “Did you?”
“I don’t know,” said the other. “What was her maiden name?”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him. My name is Carmen, she told him.

That’s a beautiful name, he replied. Is it a family name? No, she replied. I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most, cars and men.

What’s your name? she asked. He said, B. J. Titsengolf.

~thanks to RSommers

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The other day the plane that Barack Obama was on had some mechanical
difficulties and was forced to land. Well, the National Transportation
Safety Board did an inspection on the plane, and you know what they
found? The bolts on the plane were fine, but apparently Jesse Jackson
had taken some of the nuts off.

~thanks to num

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I have learned that if you upset your wife, she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.

Don’t you think it’s worth the extra effort?

~thanks to garythexton

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One day a boy got news at the Catholic Church that the Pope was not feeling too well. The Sunday School teacher asked the students all to pray for the Pope.

He went running home, and he was out of breath when he got to the house. “Daddy! Daddy! PLEASE tell me they will not take Albert Pojols away!”

“Albert Pujols? What are you talking about?” asked the father.

“In Sunday School this morning,” replied the boy, “They said if the Pope dies, that he has to be replaced by a cardinal. And Albert Pujols is one of the St. Louis Cardinals. I don’t want them to take him — he’s too good a power hitter! And a good fielder, too!”

~thanks to Ross

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William and Mildred were married twenty-five years. They decided to celebrate with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt, became very friendly. William brushed her off rather rudely. Mildred objected, “William, she was nice, that young woman, and you were so rude.”

“Mildred, she’s a prostitute.”

“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?

“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.” In their room, William called down to the desk and asked for Candie to come to room 1217.

“Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?” She did. Soon, there was a knock on the door. William opened it and Candie walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

“So, I see you’re interested after all,” she said.

William asked, “How much do you charge?”

“$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.”

William was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.”

Candie laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”

“Well,” said William, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Mildred came out of the bathroom. “I just can’t believe it.”

William said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Candie came up behind William pointed slyly at Mildred, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

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In Larry King’s interview with Jon Stewart, Larry brought up the
subject of the primaries and asked him if America was ready for a
woman or a black president. Jon looked at him quizzically and said,
“This is such a non-question. Did anyone ask us in 2000 if Americans
were ready for a moron?”

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Xtreme Parting Thought

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
the wrong way.

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One thought on “Xtreme Humor – Sunday Edition 8/3/08

  1. Barack Obama is upset because the other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer Obama inserted into Jerusalem’s Western Wall. Experts say it’s even worse than the time The Washington Post printed President Bush’s letter to Santa.
    ~Conan O’Brien

    LOL hahahahaha.. that’s hilarious

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