Xtreme Humor – Thursday Edition 8/7/08


Late Show Top Ten

Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

10. Instead of “meow,” says “moo”
9. Takes 3 days to lick himself
8. Always stuck in the cat door
7. Has nine lives and ten chins
6. He has had more heart attacks than Dick Cheney
5. Have to get special extra-large flea collars from “Big & Tall Feline”
4. Instead of yarn ball, plays with meatball
3. Only thing he’s curious about is when Domino’s stops delivering
2. When he goes outside, people say, “Can I get your autograph, Mr. Gore?”
1. Next month, he’s doing a full hour with Dr. Phil

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Gotten a Good Joke Lately? Send It In!

vaxhumor@hotmail.com

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Late Night

Well, it looks like Hillary Clinton still has a shot at being vice president – yeah, if John McCain picks her.
~Jay Leno

Turns out she’s not very high on Barack Obama’s list . . . she’s right between the Rev. Wright and Jesse Jackson.
~Jay Leno

New York City is now the No. 1 tourist attraction in America. Visitors love the way the rats come up to your car window and beg.
~David Letterman

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger turned 61 today – 61 years ago, in a little town in Austria, our future governor used his bare hands to pry his mother apart and emerge victorious.
~Jimmy Kimmel

The McCain campaign released an ad that compared Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. Today, the Obama campaign released an ad comparing McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur.
~Jay Leno

Officials at the Beijing Olympics have begun evaluating athletes to determine their gender. Trust me, there’s nothing worse than hearing, “I guess that’s technically a penis.”
~Conan O’Brien

In other Olympic news, China is upset because somebody leaked a video of the rehearsal for the Olympics Opening Ceremony on the Internet. I don’t want to give away too much, but it ends with the lighting of a torch.
~Conan O’Brien

A lot of people camped out to see Mariah Carey on the show tonight, but to be fair, a lot were camped out because they lost their homes to Countrywide.
~Jimmy Kimmel

The Olympics start the Friday after next. For some reason, they’re having them in Beijing, and the government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things they do in that country every day.
~Jimmy Kimmel

It’s like when your mom comes to visit your dorm.
~Jimmy Kimmel

President Bush is on the hunt for a new home. He just found out he and Laura are going to have to move out of the White House in a few months. His massive plan of foreclosures and plummeting real estate prices finally paid off.
~Jimmy Kimmel

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Come on over to our house… you know the one…
its the Adult and Diverse one on the corner of BSBB Street.
We have ‘almost’ something for everyone…
Stop by… the door is always open!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/BrownSugars_Bodacious_Buds

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Our first day at a resort, my wife and I decided to hit the beach.
When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the
hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way back out when I stopped at the door and asked, “Can we drink beer on
the beach?” “Sure,” the maid replied, “but I have to finish the rest
of the rooms first.”

*****

“My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard
for him to come out of the closet.”

*****

News From Fairyland By Cynthia MacGregor

Little Jack HORNY was just arrested for Bo-PEEPING in Mistress Mary’s
window, where he was watching her and a Little Miss MUFF IT. He
SPIED’ER and began to pull with his thumb till he was PLUM ready to
come.

Meanwhile Jill JACKed her longtime beau, pulling his pud from crown to thatchy down, and he had no sooner gotten off than she CAME, tumbling after.

“Jack the giant” is a killer too, with a *bien* (French for “good”)
stalk that has all the girls going ga-ga.

Another candidate for Masturbator of the Year is Georgie-Porgie Pull-
the-Pud Pi (why “Pi”? Because his tool are square!), who doesn’t like
girls nearly as much as he enjoys Barbar, his black sheep. Mother got
goosed while watching this shocking display. Who’s the guilty party?
Why, it’s Robin Redbreast, that notorious party girl whose boobs are
raw from sucking. Georgie Porgy, feeling a bit less sheepish than
usual, found out that a certain short movie actress is into “water
sports,” a sexual kink he’s recently become fond of, so he arranged
for a rendezvous. Tinkle, tinkle, little star.

And that doubly endowed chap, Peter-Peter, gave up eating pumpkins in
favor of pussy but could never locate the clit correctly. He’s such a
male chauvinist he didn’t even care, but belatedly he had a change of
heart and, having finally found Mistress Mary’s point of pleasure, the male chauvinist went to find a pen so he wouldn’t miss it again.

Yes, this little piggy went to mark it. Unfortunately, he’s been so
busy balling every chick he could find, he’s paid no attention to his house, which is now overrun with mice, and last night, as he lay in
bed watching a XXX video, Hickory Dickory, a rodent doc, scampered up on his bed and ran up his cock.

That’s all the news for now from Fairyland, and now the latest from
mythology. Our top story is about the girl who wants to Leda swan
astray…. He made off with the lute!

~thanks to Stan Kegel

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All the best jokes on the net, BEFORE they show up on every joke list.
The Thieving Joker tries not publish the same joke twice.
Warning! The jokes are often adult-oriented. You have been warned!
Subscribe! mailto:Thieving_Joker-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Check out our site! http://www.thievingjoker.net
+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~~+~

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A man goes to a bar and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place “for a coffee”.
When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
“I am your sex slave!” she says,
“I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want”
Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can’t believe his luck. so he says: “I really fancy a 69″…..
“Fuck Off” replies the girl….. “I’m not cooking at this time of night!”

~thanks to http://lefturn.wordpress.com/

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This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman in a brand new Holden Calaise doing 110 kms per hr with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my Mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed,
and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

f**k’n women drivers!!

~thanks to garythexton

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PARENTHOOD!

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Avenge yourself…
Live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere
and hide the keys to the car.

Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood:
What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters
and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name
is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string…
Handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done:
Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willingly:
Communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions
because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people
who don’t have small children.

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Baseball:

This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that’s in, sends players out, one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn’t count. If they get in before they get out it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that’s out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.

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DO-IT-YOURSELF TIPS FOR REAL MEN!

Leak Stain On Ceiling:
Cut a piece of plywood into a square.
Nail it over the stain.
Put a Handle on it.
Tell everyone it’s the door to your attic.
(Not Recommended for basement apartments).

Ant Invasion:
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water,
500 grams of Abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent.
Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house,
pick them up one-by-one and drown them in your pail.
Or simply squoosh them with your shoes
and use the mixture to clean up the mess.

Crayon Marks On Wall:
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long.
With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks
and threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection
if this happens again.
Break all his crayons.

Doggie-Doo On Lawn:
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal Container.
Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home.
Burn down their house.

Crabgrass:
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower,
rake, shovel and weed killer.
Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company.
Have them come over and pave your lawn mower,
rake, shovel and weed killer included.

Cigarette Burn On Rug:
Cut one lemon in half.
Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50-50 with tonic.
Add ice.
Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry.
Move couch over mark.

Dirty Paint Brushes:
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover.
Read paint remover directions carefully.
Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled.
Move brushes and can to airy place like the backyard.
Notice that Solvent can kill grass.
Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue.
Now notice that solvent is highly flammable.

Annoying Drips:
Don’t invite them over anymore….!

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Q: If faced with the choice, what disease would you rather have
Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s?

A: Parkinson’s: it is better to spill half of your beer than to
forget where you left it!

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Xtreme Parting Thought

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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