Late Night


President Bush has announced there are going to be big changes in Intelligence at the White House . . . yeah – he’s leaving.
~Jay Leno

This week in Atlantic City, N.J., security guards kicked a 440-pound man out of a casino. The security guards started kicking the 440-pound man out on Monday and finished on Thursday.
~Conan O’Brien

The government of China announced that during the Olympics it will ban restaurants from serving dog meat. Which brings new meaning to the phrase, “Hello, Kitty.”
~Conan O’Brien

The “Mummy III” movie is out. Mummies in the movies all walk the same. They’re the walking dead – the same as vampires, zombies, Amy Winehouse . . .
~Craig Ferguson

The Department of Labor just announced that unemployment hit a four-year high. Actually, it might be higher than that. The guy doing the survey was laid off.
~Jimmy Kimmel

Paris Hilton’s mother is angry that John McCain put Paris in his campaign video. Isn’t that amazing? Of all the videos Paris has been in, this is the one Mom’s upset about?
~Jay Leno

Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions: Barack Obama wants to have the debates on college campuses; McCain wants them held before 7 p.m.
~Conan O’Brien

People magazine reportedly paid Angelina Jolie $14 million for pictures of her twins. You can read about the deal in Jolie’s new self-help book, “How to Have Babies for Fun and Profit.”
~Conan O’Brien

A top escort service in Minnesota says they plan to hire 10 to 15 additional escorts to service the Republican Convention. Not only that, the Minneapolis Airport is adding three new men’s room stalls . . . no waiting. Two or three senators can go in together now.
~Jay Leno

JetBlue is now charging $7 for a blanket and a pillow. So now you’ll be able to get a solid eight hours’ sleep on the runway.
~David Letterman

John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention because he says he’s too unpopular. When he was asked for comment, Cheney said, “I hope the senator reconsiders.” Then he changed into a bat, and flew away.
~Conan O’Brien

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