Humorscopes for Week of 8/11/08


Aries March 21 – April 19

You’ll feel like a million bucks this week when security guards escort you across town, unload you from the back of an armored truck, and lock you deep inside a bank vault.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Life as you know it will cease to exist, which, considering how you spend your time, can only be a good thing.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

You’ll work your special brand of magic on a group of attractive women, instantly boring them with a series of card tricks and linking rings.

Cancer June 22 – July 22

The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you’ll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Like Dr. Doolittle, you’ve always been able to talk to the animals. Unfortunately, this has more to do with your crippling loneliness than any special talent or gift.

Libra September 23 – October 23

You’ll be green with envy this week, before becoming red with anger, blue with sorrow, and finally purple with complete lack of oxygen.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21

Shame will be yours this week when you discover that not only were you conceived in the back of your parent’s Buick, but that it was filled with a dozen test tubes at the time.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Avoiding personal questions may be one thing, but throwing down a series of smoke bombs and escaping in the ensuing chaos is just plain rude.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

By the end of the week, you’ll have only one arm, three toes, and four teeth left with which to learn from your mistakes.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Little boys and girls will continue to ask you where babies come from, baffling everyone with how they’re getting into your apartment.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Despite the promise of a new car, an all-expense-paid trip to Greece, and a four-piece living room set, you’ll once again go for the box with the question mark on it.

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