The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
One more day to the Olympics and people are really holding their breath – not from the excitement, but from the air in Beijing.President Bush is on a week-long tour of Asia; he’ll visit South Korea, Thailand, and China – or as the White House calls it, the “everything sold at Wal-Mart” tour.
President Bush arrived in Beijing today. I don’t think he really gets the Olympics. When they asked him if he liked the decathlon, he said that he prefers regular coffee.
In an interview recorded by the BBC, in Africa, Bill Clinton told people there to practice monogamy, and that we need to control unprotected sexual relations with unlimited numbers of partners. The minute he said that, members of the Secret Service wrestled him to the ground and said, “Who are you, and what have you done with the real Bill Clinton?”
Late Show with David Letterman
The guy who used to be Osama bin Laden’s chauffer, Salim Hamdan, has been found guilty of supporting terrorism and also using an expired E-ZPass.
It wasn’t just Osama bin Laden, he drove for a lot of celebrities – though he says the only celebrity he ever really got along with was Mel Gibson.
President Bush arrived in Beijing today, and before stepping out of the plane, he had the air tested with a canary.
The Chinese threw a big state dinner for President Bush. In his honor, they served Peking lame duck.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
The Olympics starts tomorrow. People are very concerned about the air quality in China. Earlier this week, a member of the International Olympic Committee said that the smog in Beijing isn’t pollution, it’s mist. Then he said, “Just be sure not to get any mist inside your eyes or lungs.”
In a new interview, Barack Obama said that as a kid, he cried when he saw “Born Free.” Meanwhile, John McCain said that as a kid, he cried because movies weren’t invented yet.
Ryan Seacrest has broken up with his girlfriend of three months. Seacrest says he’s not going to miss his girlfriend, but he is going to miss borrowing her jeans.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama announced today he is going on vacation all of next week. Which is part of his strategy to behave like he’s already president.
McCain is offering a reward for people who write pro-McCain messages on the Internet. Whoever writes the best one gets to meet John McCain – and explain to him what the Internet is.
I just found out I need new glasses. A few years ago, I had the laser surgery which was great, but I liked it better when I couldn’t see because when I went home, my house was fantastic. After the eye surgery, I had to clean up. You have to do the dishes; you have to sweep up; you have to bury the dead hobo . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush has been in Asia this week; he is with his wife Laura, his daughter Barbara, and the guy who ties his shoes.
This may be the last trip of the Bush presidency. He is scheduled to take a day trip to Legoland sometime in October, but this is the last big one.
Security is very tight for the Olympics in China, which has been very hard on the locals there. Many stores and factories in Beijing have been forced to close, and people have been forced out of their houses . . . sort of like here in the United States, only for them it ends in a couple of weeks.
There has been a lot of talk about the air quality in China. Here’s how bad it is: They say that if Snoop Dogg were to roll down the windows of his limo in Beijing, smoke would actually pour into the limousine.