The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
President Bush arrived in China for the Games. He spent most of the day driving around looking for a Panda Express.
A lot of people don’t realize this is a first for President Bush — entering a foreign country where he was invited.
I think President Bush was trying too hard to impress the Chinese president with his knowledge of the Chinese culture. Like when they met, he said, “Snatch the pebble from my hand, Grasshopper.”
After vigorously denying it, John Edwards has finally admitted his affair. The National Enquirer was the only publication writing about it. You know what this means? Elvis is alive! Bigfoot is real!
Late Show with David Letterman
Here’s something to be aware of in August: Psychiatrists usually take the month off for vacation. So that means there’s nobody around to write a prescription for Andy Dick.
The Beijing Olympics — two weeks of competition to see which country has the best pharmacists.
Sometimes I feel President Bush is in over his head. He’s at the opening ceremonies, and he’s trying to pretend he knows what he’s doing. So he turns to the president of China and he says, “I love your Chicken, Gen. Tsao.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Olympics started today. They’ve got the pollution problem in China, and in an effort to improve the air quality, the Chinese government is firing anti-smog pellets into the sky. The pellets are made up of ground up political dissidents.
Barack Obama has been emphasizing that Americans can save gas by properly inflating their tires. John McCain has been encouraging his supporters to change the tennis balls on their walkers.
Stoners everywhere will be happy this weekend. “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” comes out. Actually, “Pineapple Express” comes out.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
President Bush has become the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he‘s been looking forward to it ever since he learned that in China people are not allowed rto make fun of political leaders.
Today is the 8th day of the 8th month. It is no coincidence that the Chinese started the Olympics today — and at exactly 8:08 p.m., Beijing time. The y believe that the number 8 is lucky. Of course, they also pay $6,000 a plate to eat tiger penis.
For China, the Olympics are an opportunity to try to change the world’s perception of them. They put on quite an opening ceremony. They say it cost $300 million to produce . . . and it might have been even more expensive if they didn’t have slaves.
China has ordered restasurants to remove dog from their menus for the duration of the Olympics. That’s not good news for some fast food restaurants like Dog O Bell . . . McDognalds . . . and Ken-Puppy Fried Chicken.