Humorscope Week of August 18th

Aries March 21 – April 19

The stars predict devastating floods, crushing famines, and the rise of a blood-soaked moon in the night’s sky. But enough about your mom.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Clear and open communication is the key to a successful marriage. Signal to your wife that you love her using the semaphoric alphabet.

Gemini May 21 – June 21

Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.

Cancer June 22 – July 22

You’ll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don’t know what “rue” means.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Lately it seems like you can’t say anything without people getting hurt. Don’t be alarmed: You’re just a terrible hostage negotiator.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Animal rights activists will call your method of killing livestock “cruel” and “inhumane,” but then that’s what you get for sending poultry to the electric chair.

Libra September 23 – October 23

Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you’ll crush it. Hold it too loose and it’ll end up fucking your best friend.

Scorpio October 24 – November 21

Your cold and hardened exterior will finally crack this week, but not before the jackhammers, pneumatic drills and Freudian psychoanalysts are called in to help.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

You can kick and scream and flail around all you want, but it’s not going to change the fact that you never learned how to dance.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Avoid any and all mirrors, reflecting pools of water, and photographic cameras this week. Trust the stars on this one.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

You’ll be the victim of a gypsy curse this week when a Romanian villager points at your head, closes her bright green eyes, and calls you a “fucking asshole.”

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