Aries March 21 – April 19
You’ll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you’re the nation’s leading supplier of horse laxatives.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Regret will be yours this week when you’re forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
They say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, but everything you catch is either covered in scales, has concentrated levels of mercury, or suffers from deep-seated abandonment issues.
Leo July 23 – August 22
After years of being an emotionless drone, you’ll finally break down and cry this week, instantly rusting your metal hinges and joints.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You’ve always wondered what kind of father you’d be. Now with the children out of the way, you’ll have plenty of time to figure it out.
Remember: A penny saved is a harsh and unflattering reputation earned.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
You’re not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
The green-eyed monster will rear its ugly head this week, flash a knowing smile, and return to making love to your former wife.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You’ll allow your children to pick out a dog of their choosing. Unfortunately, you’ll do this at the betting track.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Decades of trying to make sense of the world will come to an embarrassing end this week when you realize you’ve been staring at the damn thing upside-down.