The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Joe Lieberman, who ran as a Democrat in 2000 as Al Gore’s vice presidential nominee, spoke at the Republican Convention last night. A Democrat at the Republican Convention. That’s like Bill Clinton speaking at a sexual abstinence rally.
John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time he visited that state he was shooting buffalo from a train.
I don’t want to say that the Republicans are trying to distance themselves from President Bush, but last night while Bush was speaking via satellite, they were trying to change the channel.
Gov. Palin gave a speech last night. She wanted to give people who don’t know her a chance to meet her. Like John McCain.
Late Show with David Letterman
John McCain lasted 5 1/2 years in a POW camp in North Vietnam — even he couldn’t get through Joe Lieberman’s speech at the Republican Convention last night.
Dick Cheney did not attend the convention in Minnesota. Apparently, he had already scheduled a heart attack.
Has everyone seen Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin looks like a model for LensCrafters.
Delegates were so captivated by Sarah Palin’s speech last night that at one point, the room got so quiet you could hear Sen. Larry Craig’s toilet flush.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Sarah Palin spoke at the Republican Convention last night. She says she’s opposed to same-sex marriage. Palin said, “Everyone knows marriage isn’t for gay people — it’s for pregnant teenagers.”
She says she’s a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. Which explains why she is in favor of shotgun weddings.
John McCain got the endorsement of the gay Republican group known as the Log Cabin Republicans. The endorsement comes not because he supports gay rights, but because he was actually born in a log cabin.
Last night President Bush addressed the crowd at the convention via satellite. The first 10 minutes of his speech consisted of him saying, “Wait a minute — how can you see me when I can’t see you?”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
TV did great last night. The new version of “Beverly Hills 90210” premiered last night. It was a mix of the old has-beens of the old show, teamed with the sexy nobodys of the new show — kind if like TV’s version of the Republican ticket.
I saw some of the Republican Convention last night. I didn’t mean to watch it — I was flipping through the channels, and I saw a bunch of really old white guys on stage and I thought, The Rolling Stones! But no.
Yesterday, John McCain was endorsed by the Log Cabin Republicans. That’s the organization of gay Republicans. And McCain was very happy. He thought, “Here’s a group that won’t embarrass me with any surprise pregnancies.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Republican National Convention is still going wild in Minneapolis. Alaska governor and vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin was the star speaker. She promised a walrus in every igloo and a whale tooth in every papoose.
They’re keeping the less popular Republicans out of the spotlight — President Bush gave a speech that couldn’t have been more than five minutes long, and Dick Cheney is in Azherbaijan, which is the farthest possible point from Minneapolis.
They locked Sen. Larry Craig in the men’s room.
Sarah Palin brought the high school kid who knocked up her daughter along . . . that’s got to be a fun trip for him.