The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Barack Obama got beat by a girl last night. What happened?
Sarah Palin mocked Obama for giving speeches in front of adoring crowds and standing in front of a stage backdrop. Ironically, Palin made those comments in front of adoring crowds and in front of stage backdrop.
She had everyone mesmerized. Even Sen. Craig said he was glued to his toilet seat.
Even Bill Clinton said, “When Hillary attacks Obama, it’s wrong. But when Sarah does it, it’s somehow hot . . .”
Late Show with David Letterman
I like that Sarah Palin. She looks like the weekend anchor on Channel 9.
She looks like the hygienist who makes you feel guilty for not flossing.
She looks like the mom in a Tide commercial.
The people of Alaska are rugged individualists. Gov. Palin has some wild ideas. She wants to change the U.S. currency from dollars to pelts.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
During Sarah Palin’s speech last night, she spoke proudly about being a hockey mom. It’s unknown what positions her kids play, but one of them isn’t very good at protecting the crease.
Sarah Palin’s husband was at the Republican Convention. At one point, Palin said her husband’s parents were Eskimos. Then John McCain, during his speech, said his parents were Vikings.
It was reported that Sarah Palin’s speech was actually written by President Bush’s speech writers. Which explains the title of the speech — “I Like Trucks.”
While addressing the crowd, Sarah Palin criticized Barack Obama for not having enough “specifics.” Obama was reportedly angry about the claim, but didn’t say exactly why.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Los Angeles is 227 years old today. It looks so young . . . I think it’s had some work done.
The conventions are finally over. John McCain gave his acceptance speech. I like that he didn’t poop himself until right at the very end of his speech.
That’s how you can tell the mark of a true politician. They never admit to incontinence on the podium.
I’m tired of all the conventions . . . the Democrats last week . . . the Republicans this week . . . the male strippers next week . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Republican Convention has finally drawn to a close. John McCain made his acceptance speech completely drunk, by the way.
In case you have a TiVo, I won’t reveal whether or not he accepted the nomination.
There was a lot of applause when they announced his name, which confused him. He thought they were trying to turn the lights off using The Clapper.
One of the big themes for convention speakers was that we need to elect a Republican that will go in and clean up the mess in Washington. I think that’s a great lesson for kids — always clean up your own mess.