Aries March 21 – April 19
They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
Fate has something special in store for Taurus this week, though to be fair, that’s not what the other kids will call him.
Remember: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it’s a challenging scavenger hunt.
You’ll awake to find a complete stranger in your bed this week, but then it’s been years since you last recognized your wife.
Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.
The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
Nothing can replace the bliss and euphoria of a runner’s high. Still, lugging around all that vodka is really starting to slow you down.
By the end of the week, you’ll be the nation’s foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.
Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you’re going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.
You’ll set a new record for most meatball sandwiches consumed in an hour, or at least you would have, had you waited for the judges to arrive.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Don’t let anyone call you a coward this week. Unless, of course, they happen to be much bigger than you.