The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
John McCain gave his big speech. He looked so life-like, too.
He was full of energy. I haven’t seen him this fired up since they came out with Super PoliGrip.
He talked about serving his country in Vietnam. Which is a nice change after 16 years of two presidents who couldn’t quite explain how they got out of serving their country.
John McCain said that under the Democratic healthcare plan, bureaucrats would stand between you and your doctor. As opposed to the Republican healthcare plan where an accountant would stand between you and your doctor.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways To Make The U.S. Open More Exciting
10. Ten ball boys, nine uniforms
9. Extra point awarded for nailing opponent in the Adam’s apple
8. Ball replaced with ready-to-hatch ostrich egg
7. Uh, cookies?
6. Bring in some of them Olympic beach volleyball babes
5. Make Federer even more Federerer
4. Two words: ‘lectrified net
3. Players must begin match with blood alcohol levels of .10
2. Get Andy Dick to spice up the Gatorade
1. Even though she has no experience, put Sarah Palin in the finals
Late Show with David Letterman
A sure sign fall is around the corner here in New York: In Central Park, I saw a nut gathering squirrels.
The shadow of the guy following you gets longer.
It’s Fashion Week. All the guys in the Village are dressed like Sarah Palin.
John McCain and vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin are bonding. As a matter of fact, today, she took him to the mall for new Rockport shoes.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail, and today she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin, because she’s never been to the Deep South.
Oprah Winfrey is in the middle of a scandal today, because she is refusing to have Republican VP candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she was elected she’d be the most powerful woman in the country, and Oprah said, “The hell you will.”
During John McCain’s speech last night, an anti-Republican heckler began yelling at him. Officials removed the man and immediately gave him a job at MSNBC.
John Edwards announced that in order not to be a distraction, he is canceling all public appearances until the election is over. However, Edwards said he will continue to make all of his private appearances.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There are some rumors on the Internet that Sharon Stone is dating a man less than half her age. No, it’s not me.
Nicolas Cage’s new movie, “Bangkok Dangerous,” came out over the weekend. I once saw a movie called “Bangkok Dangerous” in a motel room. I rented it accidentally.
“Bangkok Dangerous” sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger being grilled on foreign policy: “Bangkok dangerous, California safe.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Arizona Sen. John McCain accepted the Republican nomination for president — just as I said he would.
McCain issued a call for Americans to take it upon themselves to help change the country. We all want to see things change for the better, but very few of us are willing to do something about it. By the way, when I say us, I don’t mean me. And not just for white people, but for all.
There was a story going around that Oprah doesn’t want Sarah Palin on her show. But Oprah issued a statement saying there have been no discussions about having her on. Apparently, between bathroom makeovers and the best look for curvy women, they’re all booked up. It has nothing to do with Obama.