The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The government is spending $200 billion to bail out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac; unemployment is at a five-year high; foreclosures are at a 19-year high . . . you know, this means the Democrats are going to have to work extra hard to blow this election.
It looks like John McCain’s speech beat Barack Obama’s in the ratings. That’s like “American Idol” being beaten by reruns of “Matlock.”
They say John McCain’s biggest challenge is trying to convince people that he’s not George W. Bush. Just the fact that he went to Vietnam shows he’s not George W. Bush.
The big guns are out — the Democrats have sent Hillary to Florida to try to go after Sarah Palin. That makes two Clintons trying to nail her now.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You’re Talking to a Fake Kim Jong-Il
10. Doesn’t smile when you mention torturing dissidents
9. He’s 6’5”, 250 pounds
8. Introduces himself by saying, “Hi, I’m Gary — uh, crap, I mean Kim Jong-Il”
7. He seems Kimmy and Jongy, but not quite Illy
6. Your wife recognizes him as the Kim Jong-Il look-alike who stripped at her bachelorette party
5. Keeps using the phrase, “Chillax, bro”
4. He pays for drinks
3. Won’t shut up about the new “90210”
2. He’s only half insane
1. Keeps referring to himself as “just a hockey mom”
Late Show with David Letterman
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City. Everyone’s got fashion fever; in fact, the Statue of Liberty, earlier today, was wearing some of those hip Sarah Palin glasses.
Everyone’s out campaigning. Sen. McCain and Sarah Palin were in New Mexico. They were having lunch at a diner. I thought this was so sweet. She was there cutting his meat for him.
It’s like old times — today is the first day of the O.J. Simpson trial.
He’s in Las Vegas on trial for armed robbery this time. He’s saying he just wanted to get his stuff back . . . his autographed jersey . . . his autographed football . . . his autographed knife . . .
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Controversy on MTV last night: Russell Brand, on the VMA Awards, referred to President Bush as a “retarded cowboy.” Of course, everyone knows the correct term is “special needs” cowboy.
This is sweet — Barack Obama took his daughters to their first day of school. In a related story, John McCain took his daughters to pick up their first Social Security checks.
Experts say that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there’s been a spike in the sale of her style eyeglasses. With Palin’s glasses you can see everything — except what the hell your teenage daughter’s up to.
There is some good news for John McCain: According to the latest polls, McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by 10 points; CBS news poll has the two tied; and the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
O.J. Simpson’s trial starts today. It started with kidnapping and robbery, but on the way to the trial, he got pulled over by the police . . . on the way! He can’t catch a break. It’s almost as if the universe is trying to punish him for something.
Like some sort of karmic retribution is coming his way . . .
Google is 10 years old today. For a whole decade Google has been helping you find old friends, get good prices . . . and in some cases, get vice presidential running mates.