The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Good news for John McCain — his poll numbers are up 4 percent, liver spots down 3 percent.
Sarah Palin’s glasses have become a hot item. Those Joe Biden hair plugs? Not so much. They can’t give those away.
Boy George has come out with a song inspired by Barack Obama, called “Yes We Can.” You want to reach Ohio? That’s the way to do it!
Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Twelve Perks Of Being A NASCAR Driver
10. Don’t have to shave your body like Olympic swimmers (Jeff Gordon)
9. Hasselhoff promised me one of those talking cars (Greg Biffle)
8. I use old checkered flags to make fabulous throw pillows (Tony Stewart)
7. There’s nothing like going through a car wash at 190 miles per hour (Jeff Burton)
6. GPS underpants (Denny Hamlin)
5. Sorry, I forgot my joke — I was thinking about Jessica Alba — man she’s hot (Clint Bowyer)
4. Run out of olive oil? A little Quaker State will spruce up any salad (Dale Earnhardt Jr.)
3. Traveling to exotic locations like Martinsville, Virginia and Dover, Deleware (Jimmie Johnson)
2. At high school reunions, it’s fun to ask, “So what do you do for a living?” (Carl Edwards)
1. After a race, your ass vibrates for days (Kyle Busch)
Late Show with David Letterman
Financial trouble here. Earlier today, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were both adopted by Angelina Jolie.
It was a wet rainy day in New York City today — also today, John McCain admitted he doesn’t know how many umbrellas he owns.
I like John McCain — he looks like a guy whose cell phone has a big band ring tone.
They’re saying that Barack Obama is starting to slip in the polls. But don’t worry. He has a plan. He’s going to go back to campaigning in Europe.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
There is a picture of Sarah Palin circulating around the Internet right now. She’s wearing a T-shirt that says, “I May Be Broke, but I’m Not Flat Busted.” John McCain was upset when he heard this. He said, “What’s the Internet?”
According to a new international poll, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next president. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of anti-war voters as well as Canada’s black guy.
Jamie Lynn Spears may break up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her with a 28-year-old woman. When she heard about it Spears said, “That’s my grandmother’s age!”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
John McCain is ahead in the national polls. A man his age rarely sees the polls go up.
A Sarah Palin action figure came out today. They’re working on a John McCain one, too. The best part is, you can change his diaper.
Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It’s $25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don’t have to go.
If Obama thought Palin was bad news for his campaign, what about an endorsement from Streisand? That’ll get you straight into “also-ran.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Verne Troyer sex tape is out. I’m blocking out my whole weekend so I can study it.
It looks like a woman having a baby played in reverse.
There are only 56 days until the election. I saw that they’re selling Sarah Palin action figures. Sad incident at Toys R Us today — a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony.