The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The campaign is coming down to one important issue: putting makeup on farm animals.
Barack Obama said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” To which Bill Clinton, said, “You know, I’ve tried that, and you’re right.”
McCain is demanding an apology. Two U.S. senators arguing over lipstick — and neither one of them is Larry Craig.
No man would ever be fooled by lipstick on a pig. Breast implants, well . . .
Late Show with David Letterman
It’s autumn in New York. The leaves are falling. Earlier today, John McCain admitted he doesn’t know how many rakes he owns.
Sad news: Hugh Hefner is breaking up with his 28-year-old girlfriend. Strange couple: elderly man in his robe and pajamas and a hot, young babe . . . oh, wait — that’s the Republican ticket.
There are rumors coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong Il may be dead. If that’s true, North Korea will now be ruled by Kim Jong Il’s brother, Ment-ally Il.
Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are having lunch tomorrow in New York . . .at least, that’s what Bill is telling Hillary.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Sources in North Korea say that dictator Kim Jong Il is very sick. He may have to shift power to one of his three sons. Still, there’s an out-of-the-box chance he’ll pick Sarah Palin.
Barack Obama was accused of insulting Sarah Palin. He said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” Political experts say if he keeps insulting Palin, he could lose the election and win a job at MSNBC.
President Bush called the remarks outrageous; Cheney called them over the line; and Joe Lieberman said they’re not kosher.
Boy George says he’s written a song supporting Barack Obama. That will help Obama lock up the critical 1980s gay pop-star vote.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Barack Obama was on David Letterman yesterday. I’m not one to say who I support, but when I saw the show, I was thinking, There’s a very sexy compassionate man. Obama’s good too, but Dave . . .
Not only sexy . . . my boss.
Obama has said you can put lipstick on a pig, and it’s still a pig. Republicans then said, Did you call Sarah Palin a pig? And Democrats said, It’s a pig’s right to wear lipstick . . .
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Minnie Me sex tape is out. I have waited like a 5-year-old on Christmas.
Verne Troyer was dating a model, a full-sized woman, and at some point, they decided it was a good idea to videotape themselves having sex. They were right — it was a good idea. It’s like watching a hamster mounting a giraffe.
Barack Obama was campaigning in Virginia yesterday, and he accused John McCain of pretending to offer change. To illustrate this, he said, “You can put lipstick on a pig . . . it’s still a pig.” McCain says Obama should retract the statement . . . but what if you did put lipstick on a pig? Would it really still be a pig?