Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly being certain to touch the table and counting to 10 between each press.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, there is no need to touch any buttons. We know who you are, we know where you live, and we will be coming to get you very soon.

If you are hysterical, don’t touch any buttons whatsoever, something terrible might happen.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you are a psychopath, rip the cord out of the wall and run away with the phone.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you are an anal-retentive psychopath, take the phone apart. Place each piece in a plastic bag. Tape each plastic bag tightly shut. Place all the plastic bags into a large, brown paper bag, which you then place in the southeast corner of your freezer.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and have yourself a good cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

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