The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
The New York Times had an article on problems with elderly people. They said one of the worst things that could happen to an old person is breaking a hip. The second worse thing? Losing Ohio.
Joe Biden put his foot in his mouth the other day. Out campaigning, he told a crowd that Hillary is as qualified or more qualified that he is. Plus she still has her original hair.
Sarah Palin took a break. She went back to Alaska. Now people can go back to ignoring John McCain.
On her first day back, she shot two campaign commercials, a moose, and a caribou.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Reasons I Like Being An Actor Presented by Robert De Niro and Al Pacino
10. Sometimes when I go to the movies, the popcorn guy will give me a free squirt of chemical butter (Al Pacino)
9. Every time I go to work, I get to ask myself, “I wonder if I’ll see Harvey Keitel naked” (Robert De Niro)
8. Well, you’ve got to keep honing your craft, or you could end up out of the business and taking a job as Governor of California (Al Pacino)
7. If you do a scene where you’re eating pudding, they often let you keep the pudding (Robert De Niro)
6. I got to meet Spider-Man (Al Pacino)
5. It’s the makeup. I like wearing the makeup. (Robert De Niro)
4. You get to make films for personal reasons — I made “Righteous Kill” to let people know I’m still alive (Al Pacino)
3. You get to make films for personal reasons — I made “Righteous Kill” to see if Al was still alive (Robert De Niro)
2. Beats my old gig as a hockey mom (Al Pacino)
1. Get to read well-crafted dialogue like, “Get the f*** out of here” (Robert De Niro)
Late Show with David Letterman
Over at ABC, Charles Gibson interviewed Sarah Palin, I believe her first big-time interview. He asked her, “Are you ready to be president?” She said, “Oh fer sure!”
During the interview, she gave birth to her sixth child.
I like Sarah Palin; she looks like the dip sample lady at Safeway.
Matt Damon says Sarah Palin would be a disaster in the White House. I think I’ll wait until I hear what Ben Affleck has to say.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Sarah Palin has been getting briefed on what she needs to know to be John McCain’s vice president. The first thing they taught her was CPR.
An activist in Alaska is trying to get Sarah Palin to release 1,000 e-mails that she is withholding from the public. Apparently some e-mails went unanswered with the subject line, “Mom I Need to Talk With You About Birth Control.”
They’re having trouble picking jurors in O.J. Simpson’s armed robbery trial. The judge says they want a jury of O.J.’s peers, but it’s hard to find anyone else who got away with double murder.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A new study came out that says men have a biological clock, too. I know I do. My big hand is always playing with my little one.
Kanye West was arrested at LAX. He smashed a paparazzi’s camera after he realized they were filming him. Then, he realized TMZ was there too filming him, so he tried to smash theirs as well. You can’t smash all the cameras. You’d be smashing the airport security cameras, the satellite cameras too. You can’t win. It’s like Wackamo.
If Kanye wanted to really destroy the photographer’s camera, he should have checked the camera into his baggage.