Aries March 21 – April 19
Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey’s idea.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls “Angel Dust.”
Cancer June 22 – July 22
The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
It’s been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
Libra September 23 – October 23
Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
You’ll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it’ll be obvious you’re just masking your fear.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Remember: Crying in public doesn’t make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.