Humorscopes Week of 9/15/08


Aries March 21 – April 19

Though you are a vindictive, cruel, and miserable son of a bitch, you will be rewarded with great happiness and good fortune this week. This is just how the universe works.

 

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Try as you might, you will be unable to convince the judge that the big jewel heist was all the monkey’s idea.

 

Gemini May 21 – June 21

Joy and meaning will return to your life this week when you discover a wondrous and magical substance your dealer calls “Angel Dust.”

 

Cancer June 22 – July 22

The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.

 

Leo July 23 – August 22

Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

It’s been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.

 

Libra September 23 – October 23

Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.

 

Scorpio October 24 – November 21

You’ll laugh in the face of danger this week, but in a way where it’ll be obvious you’re just masking your fear.

 

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Remember: Crying in public doesn’t make you any less of a man. It does, however, make you more of a woman.

 

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Wanton murder, scorching betrayal, and a love that knows no bounds will soon mark the end of your third and final act.

 

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Being in a relationship means having to make certain sacrifices. Keep slaying those goats to prevent your wife from leaving you.

 

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Next week, you will suffer a broken heart, or whatever it is you call it when all your aortic valves tear loose at once.

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