Aries March 21 – April 19
Palm-reading has long been used to foretell the future, but it won’t really be an option for Aries after this Thursday.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
The good news is that all that blood is actually ketchup. The bad news, however, is that all that ketchup is actually blood.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Yes, there’s something growing inside of you, and yes, it’s going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
When attracting a mate this week, emit several high-pitched calls, display your tail plumage in a colorful fan, and avoid getting arrested by horrified zoo officials.
Libra September 23 – October 23
True beauty lies not on the surface, but deep within. Claw away at flesh and bone until you find it.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
The natives will scream, and dance, and raise their fists in the air. But then, it’s not everyday you win big at video poker.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Remember: Nobody said it was going to be a piece of cake. Or a walk in the park. Or what the hell they were even talking about in the first place.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Let the rhythmic lapping of the sea put your mind at ease this week—no matter how loud the shrieks for help seem to get.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Raising a family can feel like a circus act at times, especially the part where you whip your children back into their cages.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Due to a scheduling conflict, we now join this week’s astrological prediction already in progress…