Aries March 21 – April 19
It will hit you like a ton of bricks this week, which is misleading, as “it” is actually two tons of bricks.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Things are about to get hairy for Taurus, as well as bloody, and possibly gross. But then, that’s puberty.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
If you knew what was coming, you wouldn’t be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won’t last very long.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Catch all the exciting predictions, amazing revelations, and out-of-this-world prophecies in Leo IV: Revenge Of The Zodiac.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Don’t let other people get you down. They have a lot more important things they could be doing right now.
Libra September 23 – October 23
Lately it may seem as if you’re losing your mind, but don’t worry: There’s microwaves for every laughter and plaster wolverine.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
You’ll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Everyone laughed when you fell down the stairs, but the joke will be on them this week, when it’s revealed you were pregnant at the time.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You’ll soon meet your maker, which, according to your model number and serial code, is the Globotech Corporation.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
The stars indicate financial success, new romantic interests, and complete spiritual fulfillment this week. There, are you happy now?
Pisces February 19 – March 20
The ladies all think you’re a sex god, but unfortunately for you, they’re still not buying the whole immaculate conception excuse.