The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Now that Congress is not in session, the economy made a big comeback. That’s the key — send these idiots home.
Congress voted against the bailout. They were told to vote their conscience. That totally confused them . . . they said, “What?!?”
Members of Congress are blaming each other; John McCain is blaming Barack Obama; Barack Obama is blaming John McCain; and Sarah Palin is hoping nobody asks her what’s going on.
Earlier today, Jon McCain and Sarah Palin introduced a “Just Say No” program. McCain told Palin if a reporter asks any questions, just say no.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs Your Bank Is In Trouble
10. Ask to withdraw $100 and they Xerox five 20s
9. Once a week, bank president is led away in handcuffs
8. Four out of five bank tellers are kitties
7. Was a savings and loan; now a savings and loan and chicken shack
6. “Vault” is the trunk of a late model Chevy Malibu
5. When you check account balance, ATM screen reads, “What money, sucka?”
4. They tell bank robbers, “Sorry, they CEO beat you to it”
3. They tried to borrow money from you
2. When you ask where your money is, they say in an adorable Alaskan accent, “I’ll try to find it, and I’ll bring it to ya!”
1. Instead of a mint, teller offers you an anti-depressant
Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Rosh Hashana. And down in Washington, D.C., a confused George Bush pardoned a bagel.
New York’s Mayor Bloomberg, he’s been in office for two terms, wants to be mayor for three terms; and right now he’s trying to get around the term limits so he can run again. I bet he can — by God, he got around the height requirement.
The House killed the bailout plan. So Washington failed to act? I didn’t see that coming.
The only one winning in this economic situation is Sarah Palin. She has all her money in pelts.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Yesterday, the Dow Jones dropped 777 points, which wiped out $1.2 trillion dollars in the stock market. Financial experts say the last time so much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah left her purse in a cab.
Political experts say that if a new version of the economic bailout plan is going to pass, significant changes are going to have to be made. For instance, Congress is going to remove the section of the plan that says: “Sweet Jesus, please let this work!”
John McCain says that the federal aid to Wall Street shouldn’t be called a “bailout,” but instead should be called a “rescue.” McCain also said that he’s not “old,” he’s “geezer-ific.”
Yesterday at the White House, President Bush was visited by Jewish leaders, who wished him a happy Jewish New Year. The visit upset Bush, because now he thinks he missed Jewish Christmas.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In an interview, Barack Obama forgot which wedding anniversary he celebrates this year. Michelle Obama just changed their slogan from “Yes we can” to “Yes you can — sleep on the couch.”
Sarah Palin is in Arizona all this week preparing for Thursday’s vice presidential debate. She said she liked to go to Arizona because it’s fun to visit other countries.
Still no bailout plan from Congress. They didn’t get their bailout, but today the market recovered. It recovered because the fat cats on Wall Street think they’re going to get their bailout anyway. But I am thinking, if it recovers without the bailout, why don’t we just “tell them” there is going to be bailout?
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Sarah Palin could end up being the perfect candidate. If the world economy does collapse, she’s the only one who knows how to live off the land.
A moose in every pot, etc.
Sarah Palin is at John McCain’s house in Arizona getting ready for the debate with Joe Biden. Isn’t it a little weird that she is getting ready at his house? Maybe the whole running-mate thing was a scheme to get her into bed. Maybe McCain saw her picture in a LensCrafters magazine and thought, “Let me get a hold of that.”