Late Night Thursday 10/2/08


The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The Senate passed the bailout bill last night. They say one of the reasons the new bill was passed was because lawmakers stopped calling the bill a bailout and started calling it a “rescue” bill. I’m sorry — isn’t that called putting lipstick on a pig?

With the new provisions, it’s now going to cost $800 billion. We should have signed it two days ago when it was just $700 billion.

According to a recent poll, 61 percent of people surveyed said they’d rather see Sarah Palin in a bikini than Pamela Andersen. Although 99 percent said they’d rather see Pamela Anderson as vice president.

They’ve just come out with a Joe Biden doll. Apparently the hair is so unrealistic, it looks just like him.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Surprises in the Vice Presidential Debate

10. First question for Palin: “Why in the hell do you keep agreeing to talk to Katie Couric?”
9. As a welcome to the candidates, St. Louis constructed a special “arch to nowhere”
8. To even the playing field, Biden wore stilettos
8. To even the playing field
7. A confused John McCain kept stumbling onstage asking where he was
6. Most of discussion was what to do about the Mets
5. Palin bore a striking resemblance to Mitt Romney in a wig
4. Only thing the candidates agreed on? “The Late Show Fun Facts” book: 240 pages of jam-packed hilarity!
3. Biden’s insistence that from his house in Delaware he can see Russia
2. You could hear Hillary’s muffled screams from the parking lot
1. Palin mentioned bombing Iran, Pakistan, and Tina Fey

 

Late Show with David Letterman

The economy is so bad, today Dick Cheney was waterboarding his stockbroker.

The Senate passed the bailout bill after loading it with pork. It just doesn’t seem right to me to pass a bill like that on Rosh Hashana.

Last night, in the interview with Katie Couric, Sarah Palin said she can’t name a Supreme Court ruling she disagrees with. The best she could come up with was the time Judge Judy ruled against the landlord.

She did say she objected to several of Paula Abdul’s rulings on “American Idol.”

 

Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Political experts say that to succeed in tonight’s debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she’s really troubled by John McCain’s choice for vice president.

Now, there is a lot on the line in tonight’s debate. Political experts say that one mistake by Sarah Palin tonight could be crushing to John McCain’s campaign. However, they say 20 or 30 mistakes by Palin could be really funny.

People are still talking about Sarah Palin’s interview with Katie Couric where Palin was unable to answer a question about the Supreme Court. Apparently Palin thought the Supreme Court was a regular court with extra cheese.

Larry Flynt announced he’s making a porn movie with a Sarah Palin look-alike. John McCain called the idea offensive; Barack Obama called it inappropriate, and Bill Clinton said he’ll reserve judgment until he sees the film.

 

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

The debate tonight is very important for Sarah Palin. Ratings are probably huge cause she’s like a celebrity; everyone wants to see what Sarah Palin does. Nobody watched the debate to see Joe Biden. Come on — that’s like watching porno to see the guy.

Barack Obama is a bit of celebrity as well. People say that’s why he breaks the fundraising records. But John McCain breaks records, too. Usually the vinyl records that he forces into his CD player.

Election infection is spreading across Hollywood, like pilates and Kabbalah and everything. There is a new public service announcement — a bunch of celebrities are urging people to vote. I can’t show you it; it’s like five hours long.

Everyone is in it — Leo Dicaprio is in it; Ashton Kutcher is in it; Ashton Kutcher’s mom is in it [picture of Demi Moore].

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The vice presidential debate was tonight. It’s not too late, by the way, to text in your votes. I voted four times for Palin and six times for David Archuleta.

Before the debate, Joe Biden’s team said his strategy would be to avoid attacking Sarah Palin directly, and instead focus on linking McCain to President Bush. Palin’s people said her strategy would be to stay upwind of Biden, and flush him out into an open area and go for a clean shot through the lungs.

They don’t want to mess with the head; that’s the trophy.

The big question is, With Sarah Palin yammering it up with Joe Biden in Saint Louis, who’s keeping an eye on the Russians?

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