Aries March 21 – April 19
Four will be killed, 12 injured, and nearly 50 molested this week after your subconscious escapes free.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
Gemini May 21 – June 21
The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it’s still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Don’t be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a fuck-up like you.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You always knew the day would come when the machines would rise up and take over the world, but never did you imagine it’d be so convenient.
Libra September 23 – October 23
After years of quiet introspection, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, disgusting everyone with your squirming, mucous-covered flesh.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
More and more, you’re beginning to suspect you’re just around to help move the plot forward.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Remember to count your blessings this week, as it’s the last time you’ll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You’ll soon owe the local police chief, resident fire marshal, and head zookeeper a rather large apology.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Despite their best efforts, rescue workers will fail to pull you out from beneath hundreds of pounds of stored fat this week.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
The stars indicate that-hoo, boy-that’s definitely going to hurt.