The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Political analysts who watched the debate last night said there were no losers — other than gay people who want to get married.
Both parties are spinning it. Republicans are saying, Oh Joe Biden got beaten by a girl. Democrats are screaming elderly abuse.
They determined who got the first question by a coin toss. To which Sarah Palin said, “What a coincidence — that’s how I was picked.”
It was a thrill for Joe Biden. He got to talk directly to the American people on television, just the way FDR did when the stock market crashed in 1929.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Messages Left On Sarah Palin’s Answering Machine
10. “Hi, it’s John McCain; I had to go to bed. How’d it go?”
9. “Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?”
8. “Hi, it’s Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd’s out of town”
7. “My name is Joseph Sixpack — knock it off”
6. “Hi, Katie Couric again — think of any newspapers yet?”
5. “Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It’s a bridge to hilarity”
4. “John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?”
3. “Senator Larry Craig here — do you have Joe Biden’s phone number?”
2. “McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?”
1. “It’s President Bush. If you’re at the debate, who’s watchin’ Russia?”
Late Show with David Letterman
Washington just approved a rescue plan for the Cubs.
The bailout plan has passed. Here’s the deal: It went from $700 billion, to $800 billion. If it costs the taxpayer more, then Congress will vote for it.
At the vice presidential debate, they’re saying that Sarah Palin did pretty well, and that Joe Biden avoided any verbal gaffes. And I’m thinking, “Well, what fun was that?”
Before the debate, Sarah Palin goes up to Sen. Biden and says, “Do you mind if I call you Joe?” And he says, “Do you mind if I call you smokin’ hot?”
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Last night’s vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie “Fargo.”
Today, President Bush signed the Wall Street bailout bill, but he said that our economy continues to face serious challenges. Bush said he thought those challenges could be overcome as soon he leaves office in two months.
Yesterday Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a speech and said that California is running out of money and might need an emergency loan of $7 billion. Or he could have been ordering a sandwich; we have no idea.
The other night in Milwaukee, a brawl broke out among people leaving a Celine Dion concert. Apparently, the people leaving early were in the way of the people trying to leave really early.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The race is heating up, now. During an interview, John McCain said that he is not a rich man. Which is true — at least two of his seven houses are in kind of so-so neighborhoods.
Several Republicans have come out and said that Sarah Palin is too uninformed to be the vice president. I think they might have a point, because before the debate, she went sightseeing and saw the St. Louis Arch and said, “Who put up that huge McDonald’s sign?”
Hustler is producing a porn movie with a Sarah Plain lookalike. In the movie, she has sex with a Bill Clinton lookalike. I think Bill has actually volunteered to be in it.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!