The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to a new survey, only 25 percent of Americans think that Sarah Palin is qualified to be president. Which sounds bad . . . but only 10 percent think Bush is qualified.
During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Palin to describe her Achilles’ heel. But instead of talking about her greatest weakness, she started talking about her greatest strength . . . . which apparently is not answering questions.
The Labor Department has announced that 159,000 people lost their jobs last month. Worst job loss in five years. Here’s the ironic part — all 435 members of Congress still have their jobs.
The stock market’s so bad now that at closing time, instead of a bell, they play taps.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways to Make the Financial Crisis More Fun
10. Take a page from President Bush and ignore it
9. When Dow Jones drops more than 800 points, every American gets free mozzarella stix at Applebee’s
8. Replace Lehman Brothers with the Wayans Brothers
7. File for bankruptcy three times and the fourth one is free!
6. Invest half your portfolio in liquor, the other half in strippers
5. Goodbye repo men, hello repo monkeys
4. Don’t call it a “bailout” or a “rescue,” call it a “fun-nancial crisis”
3. Put it all on Ball State and give the 16 points
2. Enjoy blank stare when Katie Couric asks Sarah Palin what “FDIC” stands for
1. Hire O.J. and his goons to steal back your money
Late Show with David Letterman
The stock market fell 800 points — thank you, bailout plan.
The economy is going to hell, but at least we’re getting leadership from the White House.
This just in: A backwoods hiker has just found the wreckage of John McCain’s campaign.
John McCain has pulled out of Michigan — I guess the surge wasn’t working.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
John McCain’s campaign has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won’t try to compete for votes there. Apparently, this is part of McCain’s strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies.
This weekend, the jury in the O.J. Simpson armed robbery case found him guilty on all counts. So be careful parents — if your child experiments with double murder it could lead down the treacherous path to sports memorabilia theft.
In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said that she wants to have more children. Then someone explained to Jolie that thanks to her there are no more left.
eBay announced that they are firing 1,600 people. On the bright side, the fired eBay employees will be allowed to bid on the contents of their desks.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
At this point, it’s a race to see what drops faster: the stock market or John McCain’s poll numbers.
So Sarah Palin is saying the gloves are off. Gloves off . . . usually a big mistake. Just ask O.J. Simpson.
Stop the whiny name-calling. Americans want a president who’ll stand up and be a man. That’s why so many people were voting for Hillary Clinton.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!