Aries March 21 – April 19
Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
You’ll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
The stars will be out on vacation for the next several days. Please contact them at email@example.com in the event of an astrological emergency.
Leo July 23 – August 22
You’ll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Don’t let your ego get in the way of important friendships this week. You’re better than that. Much, much better than that.
Libra September 23 – October 23
You’ve always said there’s nothing a little bit of sun couldn’t cure, leading to your eventual death from both diabetes and skin cancer.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
Tension mounts this week when interrogators crank the wooden vice another three and a half turns.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You’ll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you’re already on the other side of the room eating cake.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you’re pretty sure that’s a blowhole you got there.