The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Today is Columbus Day, which is why all the banks are closed. At least I think that’s why all the banks are closed . . .
Columbus is the only guy who could close more banks than President Bush.
Former President Jimmy Carter blasted President Bush, blaming the financial crisis on him. Carter called it the worst financial crisis since . . . the Carter administration.
I don’t think President Bush understands the financial crisis. When asked about General Motors, he said, “I think he’s doing a fine job in Iraq.”
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Surprises In The Sarah Palin “Troopergate” Investigation Report
10. Spent thousands of taxpayer dollars pimpin’ her dog sled
9. Terminated her hairstylist after receiving a bad beehive
8. Palin claims she hasn’t seen this kind of misuse of justice since Supreme Court case of . . . umm, lemme think of one
7. In her adult life has never gone more than 10 minutes without saying, “You betcha!”
6. No number 6 — writer looking for his hairbrush
5. Report’s conclusion: “Hey, at least she didn’t shoot a guy . . . like Cheney!”
4. Spent eight weeks in rehab for addiction to lip gloss
3. When asked to respond to charges said, “Instead of answering your question, I’m going to talk about energy”
2. Printed in extra-large font so McCain can read it
1. Palin’s excuse: “It wasn’t me, it was Tina Fey”
Late Show with David Letterman
President Bush says he’s going to “tweak” the bailout plan. That’s like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu.
Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better. Well sure — in three months he’ll be out of office.
Over the weekend, Sarah Palin went to Philadelphia and dropped the first puck for the beginning of the NHL season. She dropped the puck, then she cut a hole in the ice and started fishing.
The third presidential debate is Wednesday. John McCain says he’s going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge is working.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Newsweek magazine is being criticized because last week’s cover featured an unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Palin says it’s the worst thing the press has done to her since that time they made her answer a question.
This weekend, the leaders of the world’s richest countries got together to discuss the global economic meltdown. President Bush wanted to go to the meeting, but after last week, the U.S. is no longer one of the world’s richest countries.
Today the Pope announced that he is going to canonize the first-ever saint from India. Apparently the Indian saint performed three miracles — and fixed the Pope’s computer when his hard drive crashed.
In a new interview, Nicole Richie said she has no plans to get married, but it could happen eventually. Then Richie said the same thing about lunch.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!