The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
I think the economy is finally turning around. In fact, instead of shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is actually shooting for fun again.
Barack Obama says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin.
The last debate will be tomorrow night. It’s being sponsored by Anheuser-Busch. I guess the last two debates were so boring, people need to get good and liquored up.
More voter charges with this group ACORN. Apparently, Mickey Mouse was registered to vote. Mickey Mouse. Is that so bad? Goofy’s been president for the past eight years . . .
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Ways John McCain Can Turn It Around
10. Try the old “I’ll vote for you if you vote for me” trick
9. Inspire America by jumping Straight Talk Express over Snake River Canyon
8. Change name to Jorack McBama
7. Start wearing a cape
6. Step one: Send Bin Laden free tickets to Giants game. Step two: When he shows up in East Rutherford, N.J., expecting to enjoy some big blue smashmouth football, gotcha sucka!
5. Sizzling tango with Cloris Leachman on “Dancing With The Stars”
4. Put more effort into budget plan, less effort into Facebook status updates
3. Point out his steady leadership got us through the Great Depression
2. Assure voters the only poll that matters is in his pants
1. Get Sarah Palin to illegally fire herself
Late Show with David Letterman
Yesterday at the White House, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi. Bush kept calling him “Boyardee.”
Russia has apparently test-fired some long-range ballistic missiles. At least that’s what Sarah Palin said she saw from her house.
At a rally, Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. Confusion happens. For instance, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate.
Tomorrow night is the final debate between John McCain and Barack Obama. John McCain is going to introduce his new campaign personality to really energize the last couple of weeks of the campaign. “Fighting Underdog.” That’s the new name. If that doesn’t work, he’s going to go with “Sadistic Yard Bull” . . . If that doesn’t work, then he’s going to try “Corrupt Border-Town Sheriff” . . . then, “Seen-It-All Bartender” . . .
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
In an interview, the boyfriend of Sarah Palin’s pregnant daughter says that at first he was nervous attending the Republican Convention with the Palins, but then he was like, “whatever.” He also admitted that he writes Sarah Palin’s speeches.
A group linked to Democrats is now being investigated because they’ve been accused of falsifying voter registration forms, including one for Mickey Mouse. President Bush was furious when he heard this, because he thought Mickey Mouse was a Republican.
President Bush announced today that he is going to have the federal government put $250 billion into U.S. banks. President Bush also said that if he’s putting that much money into a bank they better give him a big-a** toaster.
This week on the campaign trail, John McCain talked about his next debate with Barack Obama and said, “I’m going to whip his you-know-what.” Then McCain vowed to hit Obama in the “watchamacallit” and kick him in the “thingamajig.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Two big wildfires are burning in California. Emergency teams are trying to contain the fire. They are trying to drive them to homes that have already been foreclosed on.
Yesterday, Gov. Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared . . . or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an éclair. It’s hard to tell with a former bodybuilder from the Black Forest.
The last time we had a fire, he tried to slather it with baby oil.