Your Birthday Today
Sometimes success is just showing up-not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
Aries March 21 – April 19
You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people’s deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won’t keep everyone else from trying.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You’ll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
Leo July 23 – August 22
There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
You’re not the kind of person who constantly goes around saying the sky is falling, making you ill-equipped to cope with the events of this Thursday.
Libra September 23 – October 23
Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions-including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria-in women who may become pregnant.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
It turns out that Andy Warhol overestimated the duration of your fame by about 14 and a half minutes.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Scientists agree that you are a unique and fascinating specimen, but there are no practical applications for you as yet.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You’ve made it your life’s mission to find the best crab cakes in Boston. Truly, you’re one of America’s unsung heroes.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
If you’ve ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
You’re nearly at the end of the longest, most difficult spirit-journey of your life. Be prepared for a difficult and boring period of spirit-unpacking.