Your Birthday Today
Throwing a temper tantrum won’t do you any good today. If you really want to go to the zoo that bad, just drive yourself.
Aries March 21 – April 19
Be sure to take a good look in the mirror this week, as you’ll soon have to remember where most of that stuff used to be.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Taurus will release its own line of designer perfume in the days to come. Prepare yourself for Destiné-it’s your future in a bottle.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you’re traded back and forth for packs of them.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.
Leo July 23 – August 22
You’ll ask the princess to marry you, disrupting the royal procession, ruining countless chicken dinners, and forcing security personnel to escort you out of Medieval Times.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Recent advances in forensic science may sound impressive, but the entire field is still years away from determining what will happen to you.
Libra September 23 – October 23
You’ll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it’s right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it’s pretty much all tumors.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Look for a sign this week when deciding whether to stop, yield, feed the animals, or touch high-voltage power-lines.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
Get ready to kick up your heels and throw your hands in the air, as that can of mace will have little to no effect.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
Humiliation will be yours this week when you’re replaced with a healthy variety of meatless alternatives.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it’ll be born with three fingers.