The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
According to all the studies, somewhere between 8 percent and 14 percent of voters are still undecided. Who are these morons? What, you need another year to figure this out? “Gee, I wonder where my candidate stands on UFO abductions? I’m going to wait.”
According to the latest AP poll, Ralph Nader is getting less than 1 percent of the vote. How embarrassing is that? He is actually losing to low fat milk.
The attorney general of New York is now investigating nine major banks for using our federal bailout money to pay bonuses. Remember the $125 billion we gave them as bailout money? They’re using it to pay executives bonuses. Banks do not deserve to pocket the bailout money. They should be held without bail, instead of bailout.
According to statistics, the chances of any one person’s vote deciding who will win the election is 60 million to 1. About the same odds of the Detroit Lions ever winning another game.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Tonight at midnight in Arizona, John McCain appeared at his final campaign event, which is being called, “The Midnight Road to Victory.” Of course, for McCain “The Midnight Road to Victory” is the hallway between his bedroom and bathroom.
The Republican Party has asked President Bush to stay out of sight until after the election. Apparently Bush has agreed to this strategy and is appearing weekly on the NBC series, “Kath and Kim.”
This weekend at a John McCain rally, Arnold Schwarzenegger said that Barack Obama needs to exercise more because his legs are too skinny. Then he said: “Now behold — the awesome physical specimen that is John McCain!”
Joe the plumber is now saying that he wants to write a book. Joe’s book would be called “The Five People You Meet Fixing Toilets.”
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
This is my first election, and I’m not sure what I’m supposed do on election eve. Are there traditions? Hang your “chads” over the fireplace?
No matter who you’re voting for, tomorrow is a really big day. It comes down to this: an old man and young man fighting to see who’ll be on top. Sounds like party at Elton John’s house.
Sarah Palin had a rough weekend. On Saturday, she was the victim of a prank phone call. It’s all over the Internet right now. Two French-Canadians prank called her: “Allo, eez your refrigerator running? You better go catch eet.”
John McCain was on “Saturday Night Live.” John McCain and “Saturday Night Live” are very different, of course. One’s been around forever and was on the verge of disappearing till Sarah Palin came along. And the other’s John McCain.