Conspiracy Theories


Ronald Reagan’s second term was the inspiration for Weekend at
Bernie’s

TWA Flight 800 landed safely … in 1954.

The noble gases of the periodic table are not noble at all, but
a bunch of sleazy bastard plasmas.

The “Director’s Cut” version of The Ten Commandments includes four
additional, never-before-seen commandments.

Procter & Gamble executives celebrate Satan’s power by drinking
flaming shots of Pantene

Princess Diana was assassinated by NAMBLA.

Sesame Street’s Big Bird exudes an affable, nice-guy nature to
conceal his true, deep-down, serial ritualistic murderer self.

Playing Eminem’s Marshall Mathers EP backwards reveals an unabridged
audio transcript of the Equal Rights Amendment.

Romans did not kill Christ. The Klingons did.

Adolph Hitler enjoyed a lucrative post-war career as a corrupt
Brazilian pool boy.

Everyone was afraid of Virginia Woolf – that is how she got
published.

Delaware is a hallucination.

Steven Spielberg gets his “through the eyes of a child” inspirations
by drinking the blood of children.

Chicago’s water has been spiked with LSD since the ’68 Democratic
Convention.

Under cover of night, stealthy mobs of ninja homosexuals beautify
your neighborhood.

PETA members routinely supplement their protein-deficient diets
with steaming casseroles of human cuticles!

Strom Thurmond prefers “dark meat.”

Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman divorced over “divergent careers.”

The Unabomber was driven to madness by Coleco Electronic Quarterback
handheld football.

The women of MAXIM Magazine are painstakingly retouched, dewrinkled,
deveined, and artificially thinned in Photoshop – PRIOR to having
their pictures taken.

Airwolf’s Ernest Borgnine commands the mysterious CIA black
helicopter squadron.

Corn kernels contain alien biosensors capable of passing through
the body intact.

Log Cabin Republicans secretly coerced confirmation votes in
support of John Ashcroft’s hunky ass.

Bill Gates cheats on his wife by hacking in to teenaged girls’
computers and reading their love poetry!

The amazing products of Ronco are actually surplus CIA technologies.

Blockbuster Video devotes 10% of all profits to the Titanium
Hymen Society.

2001’s California energy crisis was actually due to escaped Gremlins
from San Francisco’s Chinatown.

Lee Harvey Oswald fiercely resented Kennedy’s hairline.

Pop Rocks and Pepsi killed grandpa

“Tourette’s Syndrome” is just smart people having fun.

Frank Purdue suppressed irrefutable evidence that chickens compose
hauntingly beautiful film scores.

Deployment of the International Space Station project has been
delayed by the mischievous poltergeist of Christa MacAuliffe.

Alan Greenspan is an idiot savant who counts on his fingers.

Post-coital smoking killed the dinosaurs.

Nobody wins Lotto.

The Tooth Fairy resells molars at $3.50 a pop.

The Trix Rabbit uses reverse psychology to instill sugar-cereal-
desire in children.

A gluttonous, drug addled, and enraged Elvis Presley choked to
death while trying to swallow his slumbering wife Priscilla.

Department store animatronics’ Christmas displays are bristling
with surveillance equipment.

While you are away, The FBI sneaks into your home and roots through
your old Hustlers.

That was not Elizabeth Taylor accepting the 1960 Best Actress
Academy Award – it was really a pill-popping J. Edgar Hoover in
full drag.

Lyle Lovett was the inspiration for Chia Pets

Walt Disney personally rigged the Florida elections from his
subterranean bunker far beneath Epcot Center.

A tipsy Richard Nixon took the famous photo of a naked John and
Yoko cuddling in bed.

The Billboard Top 40 is determined by intense late-night games of
“Rock, Paper, Scissors.”

Watergate snitch “Deep Throat” and “Deep Throat” star Linda Lovelace
were in fact one and the same.

Sportscaster Bob Costas is really cutting-edge Claymation.

Hillary Clinton did not kill Vince Foster. Chelsea did.

Barry Manilow did not write the songs. He did not even really
sing them.

Eric Clapton pushed that kid out the window.

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