The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
There was a big meeting this week between Vice President-elect Joe Biden and Vice President Dick Cheney. Or as they are calling it, “plugged hair meets plugged arteries.”
I prefer to call them “foot-in-mouth meets shot-in-face.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has called for emergency assistance for the auto industry. She said it was an absolute emergency. But since it was Nancy Pelosi, no one could tell from her facial expression that it was an emergency.
The National Enquirer says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage . . . yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that’s the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? These are the same people who said a year ago that John Edwards was having an affair.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Highlights Of The Dick Cheney/Joe Biden Meeting
10. Cheney barred the door and yelled, “You’ll never take me alive”
9. It was three hours of Guitar Hero
8. Biden gave Cheney the number for his hair-plug guy
7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack
6. Lynne Cheney blinking out in Morse code — “Help me. Help me. Help me.”
5. Cheney had to leave early to get Bush’s head unstuck from a microwave oven
4. Had a heart attack during a heart attack
3. They agreed the “Late Show Fun Facts” book may just be the thing to bring this country together
2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney’s pacemaker got HBO
1. Upon seeing Biden, Cheney muttered, “I was hoping for the Alaskan broad”
Late Show with David Letterman
Sarah Palin might make a guest appearance on “Desperate Housewives.” When John McCain heard this, he said, “I’d like to be on ‘Bonanza.’”
Sarah Palin says she wants to be bipartisan; she would like to help Barack Obama. And I thought, Hasn’t she helped him already?
Obama is organizing his Cabinet. This is a high-pressure time for him. Meanwhile, John McCain is at an Applebee’s blowing on his soup.
Barack Obama has named Rahm Emanuel as his chief of staff and he is bringing in Madeleine Albright to be part of his transition team. It looks like Obama is bringing back all of our favorites from the Clinton administration. Except for that heavy-set intern.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Earlier today, President Bush was in New York and he gave a speech about the financial crisis and other problems facing the country. The speech was called “So Long Suckers.”
In Washington, D.C. today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden a tour of the vice president’s living quarters. Afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he’ll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room.
The Republican Party is considering choosing an African-American Republican to be their party’s chairman. Unfortunately, neither guy wants the job.
American Express is in financial trouble and reportedly wants a $5.5 billion loan from the government. Unfortunately for American Express, the government only takes Visa and Diner’s Club.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
People in L.A. have been participating in an earthquake drill. Authorities are saying the drill has been a huge success — apparently people in L.A. are used to things being fake.
Barbara Walters is doing a special on the man who got pregnant. If you get a sex-change operation then find yourself pregnant, you may want to ask yourself how good the doctor was.
All I’m saying is, if you get a sex-change operation, hang onto the receipt.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!