Your Birthday Today
Your crude sense of humor will offend many this week, while the amount you supposedly charge for a standard mustache ride will offend the rest.
Aries March 21 – April 19
It seems that for every step forward, you take two to the side, three back, and then trip and fall off the side of a building, hitting the fire escape several times on the way down.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.
Gemini May 21 – June 21
You’ll wonder aloud if there’s anything duct tape can’t do, much to the horror of your fellow EMTs and the crowd that has gathered.
Cancer June 22 – July 22
Wild peals of laughter will surround you this week when you’re unexpectedly struck in the nuts by cancer.
Leo July 23 – August 22
What begins as a Kafkaesque ordeal, will soon turn into an Orwellian nightmare, before unexpectedly becoming a Judy Blume-ish disaster.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
In a tragic twist of fate, you’ll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves.
Libra September 23 – October 23
New and exciting experiences help to color one’s life, which explains why yours is an insipid shade of cement grey.
Scorpio October 24 – November 21
While no proverb currently exists to warn you of the dangers of next week’s events, dozens will soon be hastily written to prevent others from suffering a similar fate.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
Although many wrestle with latent homosexual urges, you’re the only one the stars know who likes to oil up beforehand.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
The stars will grant your heart’s deepest desire this week, causing you much confusion when bags of money arrive in place of your long-lost son.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You’ll soon be struck by a painful realization concerning the relative force and speed of ordinary city buses.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Satan will take the form of Excel spreadsheet cell G-14 this week and refuse to assume the proper formatting.