Late Night Monday 11/17/08

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The latest rumor is that Barack Obama has offered the job of secretary of state to Hillary Clinton. That’s kind of sad considering how close Hillary came to being the first female president. Imagine after that . . . her next job offer? Secretary.

Hillary Clinton might make a very good secretary of state — she can cackle in seven different languages.

Today in Chicago, for the first time since the election, John McCain sat down with President-elect Barack Obama. Obama agreed to sit down and talk to McCain without any preconditions.

Barack Obama’s mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with them. Joe Biden was right — hostile forces will test Obama in the first few months.

Late Show Top Ten

Top Ten Good Things About Being Named James Bond

10. “I’ve made a fortune selling autographed crap on eBay”
9. “I have amazing gadgets, like a clock that’s also a radio”
8. “Lots of admiring looks when they call my table at T.G.I. Friday’s”
7. “At the movie theater, I get a free squirt of chemical butter”
6. “Once, I received a $5,000 residual check that should have gone to Pierce Brosnan”
5. “Calling my boss ‘M’ instead of Mr. Glickstein”
4. “When my brother says, ‘Bond, Fred Bond,’ he just looks like a jerk”
3. “Always gets a laugh when I order my Jamba Juice ‘shaken, not stirred'”
2. “Halle Berry once accidentally slept with me”
1. “President Bush keeps calling me about capturing bin Laden”


Late Show with David Letterman

They’re saying Hillary Clinton may be secretary of state. If she takes that job, it means she’ll be spending a lot of time away from home. Today, she took out her pantsuit with the travel stickers.

Then she bought an electronic ankle bracelet for Bill.

Sen. McCain and President-elect Barack Obama got together for a visit. Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick.

Then Obama said to McCain, “Hey I’m catching up to you — I just got a second home.”


Late Night with Conan O’Brien

Last night on “60 Minutes,” Barack Obama said that since he won the election he has slept in his own bed every night. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Man, this guy has a lot to learn.”

Earlier today in Chicago, Barack Obama tried to smooth things over by meeting with his former opponent John McCain. Obama congratulated McCain on running a good campaign, and McCain congratulated Obama on being “a stupid jerkface.”

Henry Kissinger says if Barack Obama picks Hillary Clinton to be his secretary of state, it will be a sign of “great courage” on his part. Then Kissinger said, “Seriously Barack, protect your nuts.”

Obama says that he’s taking his time picking out a dog for his daughters because he’s looking for a pet that won’t shed its hair. Which is the exact same reason he picked Joe Biden.


The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

According to literary agents in New York, Sarah Palin is about to sign a $7 million book deal. They didn’t say she was going to write one or read one, but she’s going to sign it.

She’s not ruling out running for the Senate in 2010. She’s already formed an exploratory committee to explain to her what the Senate is.

The fire in California has threatened Oprah’s house. Don’t worry — she turned on her force field and the fire went away, ashamed of itself.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!


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