The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
There’s going to be an auto show in Washington — $10 to get in, $25 billion to get out.
Executives from General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler are trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Cheney whispered in his ear, “Cars use oil.”
Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, how about giving it to us, with the provision that it can only be used to buy a Corvette? They get the money; everybody gets back to work; and we all get a new car.
Ashley Dupree, Eliot Spitzer’s hooker, says she’s sorry for the pain she caused Eliot Spitzer’s wife, and that she feels connected to her. Maybe if she wasn’t connected to her husband, none of this would have happened.
Late Show with David Letterman
Economists say only 34 shopping days left until bankruptcy.
The economy is so bad that today on Oprah Winfrey’s show, she gave everybody in the audience a car . . . company.
Bill Clinton went to Barack Obama and said that he would do anything to help Hillary become secretary of state — even remove his profile from eHarmony.com.
And he would place all his interns in a blind trust.
Late Night with Conan O’Brien
Executives from the auto industry are being criticized because to ask Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, “We would have driven but our cars only get 3 miles per gallon.”
Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she’s the vice president of Missouri.
Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s excited to see Obama become the second most powerful person in the world.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It’s a great day for America. It is Vice-President-elect Joe Biden’s birthday today. Barack Obama bought him 12 cupcakes for his birthday. It is a smart gift to give Biden because with his mouth full of cupcakes, he can’t say anything stupid.
Barack Obama recently quit smoking. Apparently Barack Obama’s wife Michelle gave him an ultimatum. She said that if he didn’t quit, she wouldn’t support him running for president. What is she gonna do, switch sides and start supporting McCain?
I mean, she’s not Joe Lieberman.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
In case you didn’t hear, the economy is having a going-out-of-business sale right now.
The Dow is now dropping so frequently, they’ve decided to add an “n” at the end of it for “down” and just call it a day.
President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas.