BMW Owners

The other day I was cruising along as usual in my BMW, coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realize his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW Lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW Lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW Lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW Lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realized it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realized I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew – that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers license to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They’re not free points either – they’re $20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it wont be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won’t even NEED a driving license, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

How Big is $700 Billion?

•  If Sarah Palin bought 700 billion Popsicles and divided them equally among her kids, they would still have the weirdest names in Alaska.
•  If you had rented Bonfire Of The Vanities from the Clam Bay Blockbuster on March 18, 1991 for 700 billion days, you still wouldn’t have finished watching it.  Because it’s crap.
•  If you were the last car in a line of 700 billion identical Porsche Boxsters, and a guy came in behind you in a Plymouth Neon, he would still pull out to pass.
•  If you put all your spare pennies in a coffee mug on your bedroom dresser every day, and never spent them, and never gave them to charity, or to your kids, and never accidentally lost a bunch of them when the cat jumped on your dresser and dumped them, it wouldn’t take long before you started wondering what the hell you’re going to do with all those pennies.
•  If you were waiting in line to renew your license at the DMV and you took a ticket from the machine that said ‘Take A Ticket And Wait Until Your Number Is Called’, and the number on your ticket was 700,000,000,000, the number on the ‘Now Being Served’ sign would say 700,000,000,018.
•  If you paid your cellphone service provider $700 billion in advance to take advantage of their Prepaid Weekends offer for the rest of your life, you would immediately get a weekend job in a hospital where you can’t use a cellphone.
•  If you went into Sleep Country and asked if you could stack 700 billion Sealy mattresses on top of each other to see if their advertising claims were true, you would discover that you had a ceiling problem after about 11 mattresses.
•  If Kirstie Alley eats one more cookie, she will weigh 700 billion pounds.
•  If you owned a dog that liked to roll in dead fish carcasses whenever it went to the beach, there would be 700 billion dead fish on the beach the next time you went there.
•  If some financial wizard did a lot of math and figured that the taxpayers would have to pay a bunch of slick weasels 700 billion dollars to solve a problem they created, it wouldn’t take the taxpayers long to figure out how much it would cost to buy enough burlap sacks and rocks to take care of all the slick weasels they could round up.

Some Groaners

I was at my new job today driving for Acme Delivery Service and was
sent to get some parts for two trucks. They told me they needed a
heater hose for two F250 trucks which required a special flared head.
I asked them if I should go to Auto Zone for them, but they said only
NAPA had the correct hoses. So I asked: “You mean you want two NAPA
headed hose?” Somehow, I still have my job, but I hear MSNBC won’t be
using our services any longer.

I was driving up the freeway the other night, and was being
aggressively followed by a Volkswagen Beetle. Its driver absolutely
insisted on tailgating me, so I sped up a bit — and it sped up a bit,
too, still right on my tail. Then I remembered what they tell you in
the new-driver’s manual — to ward off a tailgater, slow down. So I
dropped from 70 — to 60 — and at 45 the Beetle was still right
behind, and at this speed, running even closer. My wife looked over at
me, and I my entire face must have been twisted into a scowl, for she
said, “What’s the matter, hon? You look like you have a bug up your

My friend Cindy was walking up Third Avenue in Manhattan thinking
about her impending wedding. Strung across the street in midtown was a
large protest banner. When she arrived home, she said to her fiancé,
“There is a giant sign across Third Avenue that says, ‘Free China,’
but they don’t tell you where to get it.

During my husband’s time as an older student, we didn’t have much
money for our family of seven. At a friend’s wedding, my four-year-old
daughter was sitting next to me when the minister asked, “Do you take
this man for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in
health?’ Our daughter turned to me and whispered loudly, “You chose
poorer, didn’t you Mommy?”

~thanks Stan!